Sightings of Grace In the Valley of Shadows

A Year After

2011-06-24T22:16:00.036-02:30

Today is January 9 2012 .

Almost a year has passed since I last published my blog.

Why Wait so Long?
I'll tell you why.
Time flies!... So we say, when amazed at how quickly an anniversary or one of life's cycles repeats before we really had a chance to think about it.
I can say that the year hasn't flown by for me.
I'll tell you why.
Things were not changing very quickly for me.
Honestly,I was having a struggle in many areas of my "new reality". My work ethic was eating away at me as I became more and more sensitized to the never ending needs of our parish . I was trying my best to get back to a full work load as quickly as possible and feeling both guilty and frustrated at not being able to do what I used to do. As a priest and Rector,that means being available 110 percent of the time,with 110 percent energy,and 200 percent desire to "get er done".

The side effects from the treatments and lack of nutrition actually seemed to be getting worse as time went on. I was literally a person who had been starving, willingly subjected to a chemical warfare,and having my head placed in a "microwave".

I really had to learn how to talk all over again. I still struggle with self confidence in relation to my vocal delivery.
Stumbling around with numb feet, trying to play the guitar with fingers that didn't want to move anymore,being dizzy every time I tried to stand. I can't recall how many times I would have to bend over and wait for a dizzy spell to pass before I could start to walk. Eating was (and remains) a challenge. On top of that...returning to offering pastoral care,preaching , conducting worship and trying to inspire and motivate ......yadda yadda yadda.

Then there was the feeding tube.
That blessed thing caused so many emotions for me through this journey.
When I first had it "installed" I was just beginning my treatments. I had arrived at a point where I had stopped eating very much at mealtime because it was too painful to swallow. My weight loss was evident long before I was diagnosed with cancer. When in hospital my meal trays always returned to the cart pretty much as they were given to me....Untouched.
They started to blend my food for me,just like they did for my father in his last days when he could no longer hold a fork and I had to feed him.
Seeing those strips of food on my plate bothered me deeply. No matter-I couldn't stomach the mush anyway,so I didn't eat that either.

The prognostication was my problems were going to be even more compounded as treatment progressed. On top of the painful restriction in my throat, the chemotherapy was going to make me very sick,and the radiation was going to cause burns and other issues ......the weight loss had to stop NOW,or I was going to starve,and simply would not make it. would have been gone long before the cancer had a chance to finish me off.

That almost happened. I went from 195 plus pounds to less than 100 by the time my treatments were done.

Hence the percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy (PEG) tube .
Hence the simultaneous whammy of being introduced to forced feeding and an infusion of Chemo drugs. (radiation was yet to come!)

I remember waking up with this thing sticking out of my gut..this piece of white tubing with a cap and receptacle on the end designed to receive a funnel or large syringe for the purpose of getting liquid nutrition in.
At first I was too weak to care. In the beginning the staff tended to the tube. I was hooked up to a device that metered the liquid. Water first,then Gevity, (the liquid food) then more water to rinse it out. I could not handle it at all. I was constantly nauseous The tube became a symbol of all that was wrong in my life,and it was getting to me. The fight to stay positive and keep the faith was harder than most people will ever know.

It wasn't until after the treatments were finished and I was determined to win this (#$@!&*^^^$$%@) battle that the feeding tube became a trusted friend and a security for me. I became a whiz at using it.(Making the scattered mess over myself and the furniture I might add. One day I actually burst into tears in a flurry of self pity over an unintentional spill. Some days it was downright hilarious)
Feeding tubes are something that I strongly recommend to any cancer patient who has the slightest chance of having to fight a nutritional war on top of everything else.
Me and my tube were symbiotic for almost eight months before I decided it was time to say goodbye.

I reached the point last year where I became restless about having the tube in. I was eating a little , but able to drink large quantities of liquid supplements like Boost and Ensure.
Having the tube removed was a turning point.
What a day that was. Joanie and Dr. St. Croix had been observing my progress. Many times I had asked if the tube should come out.
For quite a while they discouraged the idea because I wasn't taking in enough food yet and we didn't know if my Cancer battle was any where near done.
I was living with the possibility that I might still have to undergo surgery- that I still might lose parts of my tongue and voice box.......
But Wait..there's More!
I was having a hard time getting anything down orally. Not because of the tumour any more, but because the 50 pairs of muscles and nerves needed to accomplish the simple act of swallowing hadn't been used for so long that we were not really sure how effective they would ever be again. Let's not forget that in addition ,the inflammation and scarring of my esophagus and tongue compliments of the radiation treatments,had basically paralyzed a major portion of my tongue and throat.

Again I say, the fight to stay positive and keep the faith was harder than most people will ever know.
To a large degree my caregivers at the cancer clinic and hospital did know. My sense of gratitude for them has not diminished one iota,and never will. When I visit the hospital now,and see the staff, my heart fills. I wish them blessing after blessing.

In 2011 the right time arrived -the feeding tube came out,and ever so slowly,I continued on my way without it.

Why Wait so Long to write?
My goal for this blog and my writing was to provide an honest, factual and positive narrative. I wanted to continue my ministry in some way from what I knew was going to be a dark,dangerous,and terrifying place. I came to a place where I realized I was so tired of talking,thinking and breathing "Cancer, Cancer, Cancer.." and realized that my wife was right there with me. I decided to just focus on moving on,and getting better. I would wait to update this blog when I was able to come to it from the viewpoint of looking back,instead of always looking forward and wondering what was next. I know that that is a place called utopia . It is a place that Cancer patients can never visit for very long.

2011 was, as you can tell a great struggle.
I was "weaned away" from being a regular Cancer Clinic patient. Dr. St. Croix retired from the Cancer Clinic, but they still keep an eye on me .

It is quite a challenge to move away from people that you have come to trust and need so much. You slowly unwrap what has come to be a security blanket. You feel somehow that you are deserting them..and they are deserting you.
I tell the Nurses upstairs at James Paton (Sometimes fighting back a few tears) "I miss you guys so much...But I don't want to come back."

It is as Joanie Wicks said to me one day at the Cancer Clinic in Gander: "Hold me close as you let me go."

Some More about the Challenges we faced in 2011
A Cancer diagnosis does not just affect your physical well being.
We are made up of a threefold existence: Physical Mental and Spiritual.
Everyone of us will face challenges in life that will bring stress to bear on each of these areas.

These challenges will affect relationships with other people such as friends, spouses , children and other family members.

Then there is the relationship that you have with God. That one can be challenged BIG TIME. So is the relationship that you have with your SELF.

There is anxiety after being done with chemo and radiation waiting for what is next. You do worry about dying from cancer. You do wonder how much time you have left.

You are surrounded by "healthy people" who don't have to deal with these types of fears.

You meet other cancer patients who have had a journey far less arduous than yours,and their optimism is something difficult to understand. You meet other people who have had journeys far more difficult than yours,and you get a sense that you are not alone after all.

I thank God...for my Wife, My Children,Grand Children..and my Church.

Bi monthly trips to St. John's became the norm in 2011. We grew comfortable with the knowledge that my cancer seemed to be non-active,and that everything looked good.

That feeling was challenged this fall.
My last MRI was in August of 2011. The report came back All was well !

"BUT" Says the Doctor....
In November I was informed by mail that my MRI,among others, was being re-read because of possible mistakes. I was told that I would be informed if there was any problem to worry about.
The review led to a different interpretation of the scan. When my family doctor read the results he forwarded them to St. John's . Just before Christmas I was summoned to the Cancer Clinic in St. John's to discuss the "newly found concerns" with an oncologist.
After some freezing, prodding and poking the doctor announced that he was pretty comfortable that I was okay...BUT there was a concern about a "bright spot" that has consistently shown on all of my MRI scans. Some interpretations said the bright spot was just scar tissue. others said this brightness could indicate the presence of Cancer.

What are we going to do?

On June 4 2010 I was at St. Clare's hospital for a biopsy. when I woke up I was told simply:"You do have a tumour and we have some things we have to do. you will need an MRI, and some treatments. I might be getting ahead of my self here, but I'm pretty sure of what I have found." Pause. " We will get the pathology results,and I'll see you in the Cancer Clinic. "

Today is January 9 2012.
I am writing this in Torbay at my daughters house. Karen and Chanda are gone shopping. Jason is at work and the kids are still in school. I love them all so much.
I am lying on the warm soft,comfortable green flannelet sheets I know so well back in the bedroom where I spent so many hours waiting and fighting 1n 2010 and 2011.

Tomorrow I must go back to St. Clare's for pre-admission checks because on January 11 I am scheduled for another biopsy. Guess writing while looking in the rear view is not going to happen just yet.

A New Year Update

2011-02-16T12:25:00.015-03:30

Just before Christmas 2010 I wrote about the latest "after treatment results". Since then I have made a number of overnight trips to St. John's for appointments at the Cancer clinic.

My first post treatment MRI was disappointing. It showed that there was very little shrinkage in the tumour. (Yes it is still called a tumour or "a mass"). The doctor's exam gave us hope that the cancer was gone - "However, a biopsy and surgery might still be a reality we would have to face".
"We need to keep a close eye on things."
That's what we have been doing since Christmas.

Christmas was Bittersweet. On the week before Christmas , (my Birthday) we held an open house. Karen cooked mountains of food,and some friends even sent along some treats. I wasn't able to do much more than sit and greet people. Folks understood though, and it was a wonderful day. We received a great number of people and much love through the day. Later that evening we were off to a friends for supper. I was exhausted so when we got there, I crashed on the couch, and enjoyed all the noise. It's amazing how comfortable a friend's couch can be!

Some of the members of our youth band gave me a cake and sang Happy Birthday.

I was also able to preach at St. Martin's at one of the Christmas Eve services.

Our grand kids from Torbay were with us in Gander which meant that on Christmas morning we would once again experience the joy of young children opening their gifts at 6:00 in the morning! After a nap,we enjoyed a quiet day with the kids. I invested a couple of hours with Joshua and his newest Lego set.
Throughout Christmas I wasn't feeling well. Every activity became a challenge,weakness and dizziness being constant companions.
I sat at the kitchen table doing some food preparation and helped present Christmas dinner to our family in the dining room. Although I was unable to eat much I did join the family at the table for Christmas dinner,and the following day carved the turkey and joined a large extended family group for another feast. I did not eat,but shared the fellowship with a sense of gratitude and satisfaction. Karen worked very hard to ensure Christmas at the Rectory would be a blessing. It really was.

Food and the Joy of Eating

Joining people for a meal is a special event at any time. By nature people are social and want to share time and provision with each other. Many solid friendships and life blessings result from fellowships around the table.

That's something I have never taken for granted. I have always enjoyed cooking. I enjoy helping Karen in the kitchen,and sharing a good meal with friends and family.
Before beginning any meal I always say Grace. It is important to me to thank our Lord for what I have been blessed with,and for His provision. I have always felt the need to return thanks and to ask that what we eat would be blessed,so that our strength would not just come from earthly food,but from God's own hand.

No one should eat a meal without Grace.
No one should ever take a meal,prepared and served by one to the other for granted. Amen?

As of today, I still have a feeding tube. Good thing too. After treatment I continued to lose weight. I had been going through each day trying to eat something. I actually made myself believe that I was doing good. That wasn't the case. Karen patiently let me do as I wished,eating small portions and cutting down on the liquid meal substitute that I pour into the feeding tube.
I even mentioned tom Dr. St. Croix that I thought it was time to remove the tube. She exchanged glances with Karen,looked at me with a reminder that I might still have to have a biopsy,and might need the tube again.
A few days later,I told my friend Joanie that I was down to 130 pounds. Joanie Wicks is the Patient Care Coordinator at the Gander Cancer Center. She has been with us through all of this journey and knew every detail of my progress and regressions.

She sat me down and told me I simply wasn't getting enough calories to maintain my weight and strength. If I continued in the way I was going,I was headed back to the hospital.

Okay...Okay I get it!
I returned to regular feedings of the "Jevity " liquid in the feeding tube. Six cans a day, and continued to eat what I could. That's what I am doing now.
It seems to be working.
My energy has increased,I am getting up earlier,feeling better and although I still look like a toothpick with the wood shaved off,I have gained four pounds!

Ahhh. Food...
Food still smells wonderful, but eating is a battle for me. Today every bite either burns, tastes bad ,or refuses to go down without a fight. The texture of food that I used to love simply turns my stomach. I drink a good sip of water with every bite,cough a little ,catch my breath and go for another bit.
My saliva glands are "kaput". Believe me ,you don't realize how important saliva is until it's gone. Saliva helps protect our teeth mouth and throat. It helps start digestion, and makes it possible to swallow. Saliva also causes the nessacary reaction between food and your taste buds,so you can enjoy your food. So thank God for spit.
Without belabouring the point,let me simply say: "Its awful".

I am not going to give up! I still watch my favorite cooking shows and go through our recipe books planning meals,and thanking God for the blessings of good meals,family and friends.
I must admit though that some of the stuff we cook is so good, it drives me crazy remembering the way it used to taste!

Some other Changes

I used to grow a beard every winter. There is no hard and fast reason I do this other than the fact that I could - and some of the folks in the Church love to comment about it.
Some of the men offer me money for razors, and some of the ladies cringe when I come towards them with a greasy grin to rub their cheeks with my whiskers. It's all for a bit of fun.

One Sunday a parishioner told Karen that she wished I would hurry up and shave.

Karen responded by saying: "I like it. It's less of his face I have to look at!"

I don't spend much money on razors these days. Thanks to the radiation, what used to be a moustache and beard is just a reminder of my adolescent days when a little bit of growth over the lip and a few chin whiskers made their appearance.

Overall,I am feeling better and can finally say some of the uncertainty about having Cancer has evaporated. Having made several trips to St. John's, and to our Gander Clinic,I have only received positive speculation.
My recent MRI was in Gander on February 11. The results showed that the mass, in and under my tongue is shrinking slowly. To quote Dr. Burrage: "Good things get smaller - bad things get bigger"

There is a whole bunch of stuff that I have to deal with still,and while I have days of self pity (just hours really --and I think I have earned it!), I am in a very positive place.

I am still dizzy,tired and weak. Although its nothing compared to the past,there is always a level of pain in my throat an jaw.Thanks to the type of Chemotherapy I had, my feet feel numb and tingly all the time. My hands too - but to a lesser degree. I picked up my guitar a couple of nights ago and played a bit. It was really awkward,but felt great. People tell me my voice is good,but I am very aware that my diction is not what it used to be. I haven't tried to sing yet. We are still waiting - (and always will), for confirmation that Cancer has left me.

Thanks to Chemotherapy and Radiation I have been through.......something.
Thanks to Chemotherapy and Radiation ,and the wonderful people I have met along the way...I will live.
Thank You Chemotherapy and Radiation ,and the wonderful people I have met along the way. Thank You so much.

Starting next week there will be a series of check ups for at least another year. We believe God,and hope for good things.
Faith is the substance (that which you can hold and feel) of things hoped for,based upon the evidence of what you cannot see. We have much faith.

Today is February 26. It is raining heavily in Gander,and I am having a quiet morning.

Karen is having a well deserved "Rain Nap". We both love to relax and listen to the rain. She has been my absolute rock and uncompromising caregiver,infusing me with strength and faith.
Sometimes I look over at St. Martin's Cathedral - the building is just behind the rectory,and think of all that takes place there.
The church Building is in my backyard, but all around I am surrounded by The Church...the people of God,who have been a comfort,blessing and hope on my journey through the Valley of Shadows. I fear no evil and through the Grace of God I have been,and will joyfully continue on as servant and friend to God's people.

More News.

2010-12-21T17:20:00.007-03:30

21/12/2010 was a long day!
We went into town yesterday to prepare for my appointment. The appointment was at 8:00 a.m. The first one of the day. I Spent last night with Chanda,Jason and the Grand kids,watching trucker shows, telling bad jokes and playing Nintendo. I even managed to eat a bit of junk food.

Neither of us slept very well but I can assure you that we were resting in Psalm 29:11:
The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.
Up at seven,down to the Health science by 7:50 am,and sitting with three doctors and a nurse practitioner by 8:20. Every thing running as smooth as silk.

Once again,I sat in the Green Chair ( The chair of honour), and again I was given the freezing spray, that tastes like something from another planet, and poked and prodded .

The bottom line?

* Your tumour was a BIG none
* It healed funny and left a lot of tissue behind.
* It's all so nice and soft.
* We think the Cancer is gone...NO GUARANTEE THOUGH!
* We certainly don't want to complicate your life by an invasive biopsy or surgery.
* We will keep a close eye on this for a while.
*Go and have a great Christmas!
* See you in two weeks.

The battle with Cancer never ends. I know the stress of visiting doctors with loved ones,and how anxiety rises when the appointment draws near . I know that every change,every ache and pain will be suspect. I know that Cancer may present itself again,and at any time....but that is true for all of us.

I am very thankful.
I am Humbled by all the love and Care I received,
I have been Changed once again by a cold earthly reality that invaded my life.
I have been changed in ways I don't even know yet!

I know that our new "Normal" is going to be very different.
It's a bit scary,but I think ....far more exciting. I am going to continue to heal - I will see the doctors regularly and I will live the gift of life to the fullest.
I will serve my Church and My Risen Lord.

Thank you for all the love.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This blog entry dedicated to my Friend Jim Burry, who went to join the Lord yesterday as I was travelling to St. John's.
Peace my Brother.

Meditating, Reflecting and Waiting Entry 41

2010-12-13T22:27:00.014-03:30

It's interesting just how many people look at me and say "You look Great".

At first it seemed to me that was a good a way to start a conversation with a Cancer patient as any, but after a time I began to wonder if that wasn't just a way people could mention my illness and then comfortably move on to another topic.

In discussion with other cancer patients,I see that is very true.

I understand and accept that. And I don't mind ...I love people.
In my ministry I try to readily accept people where they are,engage them where they need me,and walk alongside on their pathway. [even into the Valley of Shadows].
That is the hallmark of a good pastor or counsellor.
I try.
God knows I'm not perfect......I know it too!
Not perfect - but I try!

The last two weeks have been "strange".
I didn't think I would be too stressed about waiting a little longer to find out where I am in this battle...yeah. Right.

We came home two weeks ago and started planning our open house.
I was able to have a movie night with some of our families,and even get to Church on Sunday.

All of these things went well,and
I have been able to push the "What if,What if,
What if... mentality to the edges of my daily thinking. Karen has been doing the same.

Until this morning.
I woke up with a slight temperature, headache,fatigue,and unsettled stomach. You name it I am feeling it. What is this ? 99/44/100% stress? Maybe. Oh yes... it hurts when I pee. Again. I am going to set a new record for repetitive bladder infections !

I came up from downstairs and plopped my self on the couch. Karen opened the windows to help me cool off,then headed out to pick up another prescription.
Completely miserable,I waited to see how I would make out.

But this morning stank big time.
Today is the day I head back to see the doctor and continue the process of finding out what to expect.
The stink and sadness of this morning began to fade when I began to count my blessings.
Some amazing Grace in the Valley.....

Karen's concern and gentleness when she realised I was having a bad morning.
Bishop David and Brian dropped in,not knowing that I was having a rough start today.
I so value their friendship. They left...I became emotional.
Ralph called...I cried a little again.
Joanie dropped by for a coffee. Thank You Lord. Not only the best nurse and caregiver I have ever had,but a dear friend,confidant and security blanket.

I am thankful for those who draw near,smile-or cry honestly with me.
It is a beautiful thing when people realize all they need do is give me that gentle hug,a caring message and be present with simple, encouraging, words.

Honestly, there are a few things bothering me these days, and because I promised to be honest and open about this journey I`ll open the book for you again.

Here goes: If the long term goes bad....I am concerned about a (possible)

1. Loss of ministry

2. Loss of my voice . After Sunday when I preached,everyone was very encouraging and positive. But I was struggling to speak and stand.By the time I got back to the rectory I was very sad,because the full impact of the struggle just ahead struck me with full force.
I love the Church and my Ministry in it. It is my pearl of great Price.

3. Looming possibility of surgery

4. Wondering how to make ends meet if my ministry is cut short.

5. Wondering how Long I am going to live.

There you go. These are the practical and daily questions that haunt people when they are not well. They have been mine.

I am trusting that God's spirit will uphold me and my family in all of this. It's all we have!

After the MRI Entry 40

2010-12-08T18:11:00.012-03:30

Monday December 6 and

Tuesday December 7 have Come and Gone.

These were two important dates for us.

Monday was MRI day at the Janeway,and Tuesday we would meet with Dr. Saytha to review the results.

I am getting well used to MRI's now.

I have had two scans at the Janeway,and one at the Health Science Center,and in all cases the staff have been really friendly and helpful.
Monday was a good day - a pleasant drive from Gander with my darling Karen. I was even admitted early. The rest of the day was for our Grandkids!

I can't say we were worried about the results,but both of us were a bit restless through the night.

On Tuesday we went to the Cancer Clinic to meet with our doctor and ENT specialist.

On arrival we followed our normal routine: Find a parking spot,put lots of money in the meter,head inside,register,then wait for two hours to see the doctor.
We joked about the waiting time with some other folks sitting by us.

Behind the reception desk we caught a glimpse of our doctor. It looked like he was reviewing something. When Dr. Smith joined him, I said to Karen: "Looks like everyone is on deck today."

Dr. Saytha glanced our way,then headed off down the hallway.

I was surprised when we were called reatively early. The nurse that greeted us was really friendly,asking simple questions and putting her arm around my shoulder.

In the exam room Dr. Saytha greeted us. He is a warm and caring fellow,who has proven to be very careful and thorough with his diagnosis and treatment. He seemed to be ill at ease,first asking how I have been feeeling,then telling me that he needed to take a good look,because my MRI had shown something serious. He said that he was going to ask Dr. Burrage to come in and have a look.

WHAT?

We certainly weren't expecting this!

Karen and I exchanged glances,as both our hearts began to sink.

Things happened very quickly.

In came Dr. Burrage

In came another ENT Surgeon (a new one to me)

In came two med Students

The nurse was there too,and our doctor. Within a few moments Dr. Smith joined us as well.

(I could write a song about this gathering)

Without a lot of discussion each of the doctors probed my mouth and throat with fingers and huge Popsicle sticks,all the time talking to each other and using all the Greek and Latin words that doctors love to share when they get together.

Things are really just starting to sink in when Karen calls "Hold on!" "Tell us what is really going on..."

So they do.

Apparently, they were gathering to tell me that the news wasn't good and that I needed immediate surgery because the treatments did not do the job.

BUT

They all agreed that what they were feeling inside my throat was soft,pliable tissue. Not at all like a tumour. Tumours tend to be hard,and rubbery.
That meant they were not sure what was going on.

They said so. It may be soft tissue - maybe dead tissue left over from the war we had just waged.

MIGHT or MIGHT NOT be a tumour.

It seemed logical to all hands to wait a little longer to see if the mass will change.

The final decision : I will return to St. John's in two weeks,and if the surgeon is not happy with what he sees,he will do a biopsy so we can discover if cancer still abides in me.

Merry Christmas!

Are we okay?

Well,.....at first surprised,worried upset. As time passed we put things in perspective.

What happened is really good news. The doctors are still looking for what is going on...not telling me that surgery is my next option.

I live in hope,and pray that you do too!

Advent 2010... Still Waiting #39

2010-11-17T16:35:00.015-03:30

It's November 30th 2010.....
Karen is busy with our Advent and Christmas preparations,making sure that all is done for the children and grand children - and also planning our Open House.
I am doing my best to get reconnected with the parish,and doing the best I can to help out.

To be honest, it's not easy. I am still struggling to eat,still living with pain when I do,and every now and then I go somewhere to be alone and ask God to help me get better...quicker..... before people lose patience with me. (being honest about human nature,we all know that's a fact of life!) These are difficult moments.
As well,lately some friends of mine have been diagnosed with cancer. Their prognosis as I understand it at the present, means they have a huge battle looming.I ask God to strengthen and prepare them for the days ahead.
You know, we often hear people say something like "When I see how bad others have it,I don't think about myself as much."
My response to that is "it's a poor comfort taken by other people's misery."
It is a good thing to acknowledge your own pain,and to honestly care for those who suffer.

So here I am....not wanting to repeat my self..... but the story remains the same!
I am still recovering...still waiting. It's exhausting, debilitating, depressing. After a while you forget what it feels like to not feel sick.... After a while you get sick and tired,of being sick and tired!

The Blessings that come from a CurseI am , and will always be thankful for the love and support I have received.
I am thankful for the gifts of new perspectives,new understandings, and new friendships that have emerged as a tremendous blessing because of my cancer.

Many friends have reaffirmed their love for me in wonderful ways,and others have stayed away. All around me my friends and loved ones are all going on with their lives: new jobs, new relationships, new plans. I think it is wonderful!...But in the dark hours of the night, God help me,sometimes it can all feel so lonely.

I am trying to re-engage the challenge of recovery. My care-givers were right when they told me that I would take a long time to get better. Accepting that has been difficult. My feelings of thankfulness of the patience and support of my parish ,Reverend Brian, and my immediate family are often mingled with guilt,because of the time it is taking to get better. However,when I remember how my body was placed in an electronic and chemical abyss and forced to the point where it couldn't take anymore,it helps put things in perspective once again.

During my reading and study this month I re- read the story of the "Stockdale Paradox".
It comes from the story of Admiral James Stockdale, (1923 - 2005) who became a winner of the American Medal of Honour. James Stockdale survived for 7 years in a Viet Cong prisoner of war camp. It was beyond rough. Because of Stockdale's rank,his captors wanted to make an example of him. He was in solitary confinement for four years, had to wear leg irons for two years straight. He was systematically tortured 15 times, starved, and denied health and dental care.
By hanging on to two contradictory beliefs he made it through. Here they are:
1. His life couldn't’t be worse at the moment,
2. and.. His life would someday be better than ever

I believe that receiving the fullness of God's blessings means we must be able to confront the hard and cold facts of our current situations, and at the same time maintain absolute faith that in partnership with our Lord,whatever the outcome...we will prevail in the end.

I often pray for Grace and strength to embrace both faith and facts "at the same time, all the time". I pray this not only for myself, and for all whom the Lord allows me to meet and share. That means you who are reading this.

Ephesians 1:17-19
I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you....

Cancer has helped me focus on something else about life.

Life,as sweet as it is, is hard and daunting work. It takes courage order to live life fully and we need it. We need the courage of people who push themselves to become doctors and nurses for the care and benefit of others. We need the courage of Clergy and committed pastoral workers who walk in love and truth for the sake of others, and ,we bless the courage of those keeping lonely vigils at the bedsides of loved ones.

May God grant the full power of Grace and faith to those who suffer,so that the courage of the ill fighting with everything they have,will not just cheat death,but allow them to live life to the fullest.

Cancer comes upon us as a thief in the night...but remember
John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Latest News - The appointments have been made!
I am still waiting for the results of my treatments.
On December 6 I will be having an MRI , and on December 7,an appointment with my Radiation Oncologist. Talk to you then!
Peace and Love Always

Those Who Wait Upon The Lord Shall Renew Their Strength #38

2010-11-08T03:13:00.006-03:30

I started this blog a few nights ago in the Wee hours of the morning. (3:15 a.m. or thereabouts.)
I have been feeling restlessness since my treatments finished. A little over a month has passed since finishing my treatments, and this restive feeling seems to be evolving. The whole journey of cancer including treatments side effects, and the people I have met has touched me, not just body and mind, but in my soul and heart as well. For that reason, I can say that my restlessness is not all negative, but made up of varieties of fear/hope, - peace/agitation,- tranquility/impatience...get the picture?
I really wonder what it is that God is preparing me for in the future!

My blog has been silent since 28 October, and some are asking when they can expect the next one. Many are also asking about the prognosis....
Let’s get caught up.

First of all, let me share some of what has been in my heart.
Over the years of ministry I have spent a lot of time with people who have received the diagnosis of cancer. When the diagnosis comes, ministers may become involved with the ill person, and their families and friends. I have had much experience with cancer and can say that no two cases or stories are the same.
Similarities? ......Yes absolutely – but every story is unique and belongs “to the one”.

Believe me I have learned so much more these past months about the physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, and logistical effects that cancer has on life. I pray that my experience will make me a better pastor in the future.

Is all cancer as bad as yours?
Recently I have had discussions with people who have heard my story, or who have had cancer themselves. Often this question (or something similar) has arisen. Is all cancer and the treatments as bad as what you are going through?
I can answer: “Thank God, no! Not everyone goes through what I have experienced.” That’s true. Yet, some have it much worse. Some of the people I have met and befriended since I began my treatments in June have died. Thank God, some are doing quite well.
Off the top of my head, I recall some of the stories I have shared with people in the waiting rooms.
(You feel safe there to ask the question: “What type of cancer do you have?” )
I Have Cancer by the ankle. I Have brain cancer. I have ovarian cancer, it has spread. I have prostate cancer. I have cancer in the leg. I have lung Cancer. I have a secondary Cancer that has come back after twelve years. I have leukemia. My treatments are not working......

Some people are very calm. Some are angry. Some are incredibly sad. Some are in denial. Some don’t have any idea how bad things are, but their children or spouse does.
As I have said: “Every story is unique and belongs “to the one”.

The Holy Spirit speaks that way about every person’s journey of life: Again; “Every story is unique and belongs “to the one”. We are invited to share our lives in partnership with God.
Through the eyes of faith we can hear Jesus: “Take my hand, and you will be upheld in all things.”

How I am doing?
Thanks for asking!
I am living very much with the effects of my loss of appetite and reduced diet.
When you under eat your body will use up any excess fat. If the nourishment is not available after that, your body will begin to protect the vital organs by drawing on muscle tissue. In essence, body repair is compromised and muscle begins to disappear. That is what happened to me. As a result, I am still under 140 pounds, and find my legs and arms to be very weak. Dizziness is my constant companion, as is tiredness. I am also prone to being a bit emotional at times. Now that’s not strange for me. I once said to someone: “If I go to the post office with you, and you don’t get any mail, I’ll cry for you!”

I receive my emotions as a gift from God. I don’t consider empathy or sympathy to be signs of weakness. God has through his healing, shown me (and all of us) how to truly love one another. That’s not always easy to do, and it can be rather painful sometimes when people act the way humans are prone to do...

My physical recovery from the treatments is slower than I expected, and I now understand what the oncologists were saying. They have taught me about the need to be patient in relation to the results and persistent with trying to swallow and taking in enough liquid and nutrients.

BUT...every day I am getting a little better, a little stronger...a little closer to the goal. Every day I count my blessings.

Blessings?
In 1987 Johnson Oatman wrote a song called “Count Your Blessings” for a group of young people. You have heard it, I am sure.
When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

There are many blessings in my life – Let me name just a few:
+ The wonderful people I have met since I have developed cancer that I would never know otherwise.
+ New friendships that will last forever.
+ The Father’s teaching in my life, and a spiritual growth that is different than anything I have ever known.
+ Living through, and experiencing the unconditional love, of faith and commitment of my marriage
+ The faithfulness, friendship and love of the Church which lifted me up and carried me when all my strength was gone.
+ The affirmation of the years of friendship. We have been blessed by so many who have gotten in touch and reached out to help in some way.

What will the future hold in relation to your cancer?
My friends, I will soon be able to share my prognosis with you.
For now, we patiently wait for a M.R.I and an appointment with my doctor.
We expect this to happen before Christmas.
In the meantime, let me leave you with the thought I shared with my family just after we found out I had cancer.
“Listen girls, If the treatments work, I’ll be alright....If they don’t, because of Jesus, I am still going to be alright.”
Into your hands O Lord, I commend my Spirit.

First follow up appointment #Entry 37

2010-10-28T10:58:00.007-02:30

We are back from St.John's and my first follow up appointment with the radiation oncologist.
(8 hrs round trip,two hour wait,7 minutes with the Doctor!)

When I was ushered into the exam room it was similar to the first time I visited the Health Science Cancer Clinic in that a host of people,(although a smaller group), joined the doctor to have a look. Another similarity was in the reality,that once again we were waiting for some news about my future.
Accompanying Dr. Saythya was Dr. Smith,who provided an ENT consult,a student,and a nurse practitioner who works with the radiation department. I really wasn't expecting to hear a lot,because up to this point I haven't had any extra tests done. Nevertheless,It was good to see the doctor and hear what he had to say.

Both Dr. Saytha and Dr. Smith had a look down my throat,and agreed,that while things look promising,it is far too early to make any pronouncement about how successful things have been.
I am okay with that. I felt much better after seeing the Doctors,and left with hope.
It's amazing how stressful it is before an appointment,and waiting to hear some results. I remember,years ago when Dad was seeing the cancer clinic in St. John's how we used to feel after every CT scan. We were so anxious to know what to expect.

Well, the shoe is on the other foot now,and some one waits with me to hear the news.
Another appointment has been made,and I am waiting for an appointment for a CT scan or MRI within the next six weeks.

I have to express again and again how thankful I am for the support which has held us up,and still does. From a solid reassurance of prayer and love,to financial support,and countless emails and letters of encouragement,God has been present through you all to bless and heal. I will never be able to thank everyone individually,but we will try!

How am I doing?
I am doing better. The Doctor has told me to start eating,regardless of the pain in my mouth and throat. This is important to prevent the scar tissue caused by the radiation from tightening and constricting the passage. So, I am trying a little harder every day.
I am still underweight,get tired easily and some days I get emotional with thanksgiving or even just a feeling of being overwhelmed. BUT..I always feel the love projected towards me.
My appetite comes and goes,and eating is a real,painful challenge. Along with the pain,food has absolutely no taste at all.
When I try to walk,I get dizzy and weak. I am also getting a bit frustrated because there is so much I want to do,and can't quite get to it yet. I ask God to grant me the patience,and for folks to bear with me a little longer! I take that as a good sign!
I can live with a bit of pain,and I am determined to "get back" to the gift that is my life,as soon as I can.

I am also thankful to those who take the time to read this blog. It has been helpful to me,especially in light of all the cards,notes and emails I have received because of it. It has become (as I have prayed) A tool and means by which God could bless and encourage His people. After I have completed it,I will make arrangements for copies to be available. Thank you everyone,for your hands,hearts and minds with us. We have and still do need you!

Some Shared Thoughts Entry #36

2010-10-21T18:01:00.005-02:30

Some Shared Thoughts
We have been home from St. John’s for two weeks now. It seems like forever. Ending up in hospital in Gander certainly put a whole new slant on things:
While it was difficult and frustrating to realize that I could (and WAS) getting sicker, I am now at home with a focus on getting better that I could not have reached without help.

The last couple of days I have been reflecting upon this whole journey.
Oh how I wish there could be something else in the day besides thinking about the chemotherapy that has made me so sick and the radiation which still burns my flesh. Ever since my diagnosis I had to go to war with cancer. Every single day it’s in my face. Well, right back at you Cancer. I haven’t forgotten that every drop of poison and every moment of radiation means there is part of my life that you cannot have.

Right from the beginning of this tumultuous journey, it was my goal to never allow the “polite silences of cancer” to become part of my life. One Sunday morning just before service Revd. Brian and I were in the vestry preparing for worship. He was asking me about my nagging sore throat. “Brian,” I responded:” I’m not fooling myself. This could be serious. I think Cancer has come to St. Martins .Lets ask God to help us figure this out.”
Revd. Brian was about to be asked to carry my torch for a while. He has done so faithfully and lovingly.
Because of my love for the Church, I determined from the beginning to share this journey with God’s people. I honestly believed (and still do) that God would use this as a healing and teaching time for his beloved people. I wanted my cancer to have some meaning, a heart, and if possible – a smile and a hope
Thanks be to God because:
- The response from St. Martins and the outside community has shown this to be true. The power of love, prayer and generosity has been amazing. What have we unlocked in our Church? The Love of God!
- The blessings bestowed upon me from the doctors, nurses and other cancer caregivers is something I could never know without this dreaded companion.
- The faithfulness and presence of my wife through every moment is something I will forever be thankful for.
Indeed: More than I could ask or imagine

But I am human too. Believe me.
How many times in the quiet of treatment, or in fear of what the MRI or CT scans....have I prayed Please.... Please...God – here I am. I need you.

It is vital for people who suffer to remember how important it is to keep a positive attitude through your illness and treatment.
It is equally important to accept the fact that cancer (and other things) can be hard, depressing and scary ,and that it is okay to have bad days. It’s okay to have different emotions – and you are NOT letting God or anyone else down, by admitting it.

I have an appointment with Dr. Sathya next week. He is the Radiation Oncologist who directed the radiation portion of my treatments. I’ll be very interested in what he will have to say to us. I’ll let you know as soon as I can.
Love ,and Peace, Always.

Back in Hospital Entry #35

2010-10-19T17:24:00.003-02:30

Well. Well.
Wednesday night was just getting started,and I was running a temp,the night wasn't full of promise,but I but still felt that maybe by tomorrow I would be doing okay. Our friend Joni drops in with the news that my latest blood test was showing lower numbers still – all around.
You must come to the Cancer Center tomorrow for blood.
I know she is right. I had been harbouring what I can only describe as a low, sickly feeling. And I really knew that it was taking far too long to recover this time; my heart is slowing starting to hurt because it senses I am on a slippery slide heading back to the hospital. I was right.
When we got to the clinic and were settled in the bed, with blood cultures done, I was given two units of blood. After a time Dr. St. Croix comes to share the news that the blood cultures show no strange activity but there is confirmation of a bladder infection. The only cure was intravenous antibiotics , and in her gentle but firm way, I will have to be admitted to get all of this under control. I know she is right. She has been always, gently firmly and blessedly accurate in all her dealings with me and I trust her absolutely.
With a stiff upper lip, we head upstairs to see our old friends on the medical unit.
As always these nurses are God blessings upon a weary body and soul.

But That's not all this week had in store for me.
Through the past week me ole bum was getting tender. On the left cheek, a tenderness grew into a visible spot which became larger and larger. The hospital staff dealt with it right away with a big bandage, and by telling me to stay off it; I am thankful that I have just regained the ability to sleep on my sides again. On Thursday thought i just might be feeling the twinges of something on my right bum cheek. I passed it off as quickly as possible, because the very idea of an abscess forming in the midst of all this was unthinkable. On Friday its prescence was known to me and i intended to speak to Dr. St Croix about it, but she left before I was able. By Saturday evening it was noticeable.(a very scary feeling for me –one of these alone is more than enough to put you in hospital) But, thanks be to god it broke while I was sitting up. Made quite a mess, but after all was cleaned up we thanked the good Lord that surgery would not be required.

So here I am on Monday the 18, with Karen, back in hospital, waiting to get home. We hope to be there soon. Maybe tomorrow?
Places and times like this can be a real oasis on a long and troubled journey. Karen and I were talking and I said "We probably won’t see any visitors tonight will we?"
"John this is just what you needed. This is the first night you have been conscious since we have been here." She was right- almost every hour I have spent in this period of isolation, I have been sound asleep.
So I wait upon the Lord, expecting a re-charge that is both physical and spiritual.
On Tuesday we went home.
I am feeling better ,Thank the Lord for His Mercies -,and all my friends for your prayers

First days back home (entry 34)

2010-10-12T13:07:00.017-02:30

Today is Tuesday October 12.
I am just beginning to feel that I am going to come out of this blackness.
My daily routine has been very similar -sleep when you can,eat when you can , read and pray. Just as I was told, the effects of the treatments have became more and more pronounced as the days passed.

I hope I have reached a turning point ....We shall see.

It is hard to explain just how difficult it is to accept and journey through the treatments. There is just so much to consider. When someone has cancer in the throat there are unique problems. Radiation and Chemotherapy quickly drains your body of energy, steals your appetite, and causes damage to healthy tissue as well as diseased tissue. The tissues in the throat are very sensitive,and before long (depending on the strength of the treatments) you are in a fair amount of pain. You can't eat anywhere near the amount of calories you need, So on it goes. Your body needs nutrition now like never before, but at the same time,your body makes it difficult. One evening,I was very pleased with myself because I was able to get everything I needed through my feeding tube. A couple of hours later,I lost everything down the toilet. That was very hard to deal with emotionally.

Through the stages of life we all need healing. In my experience as a priest,I have met many wounded people who need to be healed not only from different kinds of disease, but of memories,guilt,remorse, fear,unforgiveness.....This list can grow quite long!

The very thing that makes us unique and beautiful ,makes us complicated as well.

That is because God has made us to be a "threefold being". We are made up of Body,Mind and Spirit. There are lots of Greek and Hebrew words in the Bible that we can draw on to learn more about this,but there is really no need to make it complicated.

Each part of who we are needs care and nurture to remain strong and healthy,because without all three we are not complete persons.

Often I am given the privilege to "come alongside" and walk with a person as Priest and friend. Usually this happens when someone who is physically ill, overcome by daily life,or spiritually unsure calls for help. I try to make sure people understand just how "God has made us",so that healing (which constantly flows around us) is possible.

Throughout this entire battle,I have done my best to focus on God's love and healing.

I have tried not to get angry at God.

I have tried to keep a positive attitude.

I have tried as a Priest to meet what I know is my responsibility

to proclaim and witness to the faithfulness and Love of God.

I find that in times of weakness and despair,all I have to do is "let it go" because I know that the Church,Cancer Clinic , my family,friends,and a host of witnesses were there to carry me through.

Through every moment Karen has been there with me,in Body,Mind and Spirit.

In just a few weeks I will be able to share the results of my treatments with you.
Peace and Health be yours!

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

Home (Entry 33)

2010-10-04T10:03:00.011-02:30

Last Radiation Treatment
On Friday October 1 we went to the Cancer Center for my last radiation treatment. Rather than leave right away for Gander,we decided to spend two more nights,so Karen could have Saturday with Joshua and Emma,and I could prepare for the trip home.

Believe me,that wasn't as easy as it sounds. The process of the Chemotherapy and Radiation is marching on,and I don't expect any respite within the next two or three weeks.
My present weight is 135 lbs

Friday Afternoon found me tired,hurting,and nauseous. I went to bed,and pretty much had to stay there until the evenings when our dear friend from Gander came and hooked me up to an I.V. to get some fluids and medications into my body.

On Sunday morning,fortified with Gravol and a few other anti nausea drugs, I gingerly made my way to the car,covered up in my blanket,and prayed that the dizziness would settle down.

By the time we got to the divided highway, I was feeling much better. I took Karen's hand for a squeeze and said "We are going home." Simple words yes,but they filled us both with emotion and hope. I fell asleep not waking until just outside Clarenville. By the time we reached Terra Nova Park,I was sleeping again.

So,we are home. Back in Gander,and I don't have to head out over the road again this week! Thanks be to God.

Remember what St. Paul Said to Timothy? :
I have finished the course. I have kept the faith.

I know the course is not yet completely run, but finishing those treatments is a major step in my healing. I know I have been blessed,wrapped in the arms of Love,extended by Jesus and the Father,through His Church - Through all of you.

Another Amazing Blessing.
I have written about my Grand Children, Joshua 7,Emma 4 (almost 5) and ,Delilah, 21 months
Delilah lives away,and is still far too young to understand what is happening to her Grandfather.
We spent several weeks in and out of Torbay while I was undergoing treatments,and stayed with our Daughter Chanda,and son in Law Jason. It was a real blessing for us to be with them during this time. My schedule of appointments was determined day by day,so we never really knew in advance when I would have to go to the hospital. We did go every day,sometimes as many as three times.
Joshua and Emma have been nearby ever since they were babies. Even when the family moved to Torbay,they have been with us regularly,whenever they can. They both adore Karen,who gives them as much time,love and attention as she can pack into each visit. Their energy levels are quite high!
Joshua and Emma are at the stage where they are old enough to ask serious questions,and young enough to accept simple,honest answers. "Is Pop going to die?" was one of them.
Young children are emotionally honest. They express their true feelings freely and spontaneously. For that reason,we explained as best we could what was happening with Pop. They watched me use my feeding tube,take my medications,receive an I.V.
Sometimes they would very quietly sneak down to my room,for a little cuddle,or to give me a blanket and say "I Love you Pop." When they were around me,I believe the Lord bestowed upon them a spirit of gentleness and healing that they passed on to me.
It was amazing how gentle and loving they were. Just like Jesus.

Last Chemotheraphy (entry32)

2010-09-29T17:58:00.008-02:30

Tuesday September 28 has come and gone.
It was the day of my last chemotherapy treatment.
We were at the hospital for radiation on Monday,and on the way out Karen noticed that I hadn't received my appointment card for my blood work. We ran down to the chemotherapy unit to see what to do,and one of the nurses took my blood right away,and had it sent to the lab. It saved us a lot of time on the next day,because normally I would have blood work done on the morning of treatment,and have to wait until my blood counts were safe.

Everything was a go on Tuesday, my blood counts were fine - and I received my treatment with thanksgiving.

Now I am in that period where I wait to see how sick the treatment might make me. I am well fortified with anti Nausea medications,and the doctors at the cancer clinic have me in for an hour a day for an I.V. to give me some more medicine,and to keep me hydrated.

I had a great day on Wednesday ,and even though last night was a terrible one (no sleep,upset stomach, the radiation burns really hurting...regular stuff now),I am very optimistic that I'll get through this in one piece!

Radiation
Tomorrow I will have my last radiation treatment. I have got to know the staff there and in the Cancer Clinic as well as anyone is able under my circumstances. It's tough not being able to converse,but there are so many ways of communicating! They have been wonderful.

I have developed a habit of prayer and meditation that I use during the radiation sessions always envisioning the sounds of the machine as beautiful purple healing rays,that are a gift from God.
A good friend of mine tells me that he would sing during the sessions: What a Friend We have in Jesus. It helped him time the session,and keep his heart focused on the loving presence and promises of God in his life. I love it!
The actual sessions are not very long,and I have actually found them to be relaxing and comforting. The side effects are many,but after tomorrow the healing begins!

Come Lord Jesus,in the fullness of your Grace. I receive your love.

Me,mask on,secured to the table preparing for radiation

The Radiation Machine

Weary and Worn Entry 31

2010-09-26T20:13:00.006-02:30

Do you think you might see a rabbit in the Valley of Shadows?
I do.
Think for a moment about their place in nature. Rabbits are cute,gentle,curious and vulnerable. They love the peace of evening for grazing, which makes them the potential meal of every other animal that eats meat. (including humans)
These cuddly,soft creatures know what it is to be living in danger every day that they live.
Many of us feel affectionate toward rabbits (usually calling them bunnies if we don't intend to eat them), and desire to have companionship with them. Certainly we have proven our affection by re-creating them as stuffed toys for every generation?

I have known the story entitled The Velveteen Rabbit since my childhood days. Written by Margery Williams, it was first published in 1922.
The story took on a whole new meaning for me one year while I was attending a palliative care workshop at The Royal Victoria Hospital in Montreal. More of that in a bit.

What do you remember about the story of the Velveteen Rabbit?

A fairly well to do boy receives a Velveteen Rabbit for Christmas. The rabbit is snubbed by other more expensive toys. They are so special that they think themselves "real". In the nursery our rabbit finds a mentor - a well worn Skin Horse who teaches him that a toy becomes real if its owner really and truly loves it.

Let's hear the skin horse speak:

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

One day the boy misplaces his favorite toy, and the Velveteen Rabbit is given to him as a quick replacement.
Before long the Velveteen Rabbit takes his place as the boy's constant and closest companion.
After many days and hours of attention and play ,the Rabbit begins to become shabby and worn. But the boy loves him even more.

He loved him so hard that whiskers fall off,the pink lining in his ears turns grey, and his brown spots fade. He even began to lose his shape, and he scarcely looked like a rabbit any more, except to the Boy. To him he was always beautiful. The Rabbit loved him in return. He didn't mind how he looked to other people, because he felt Real, and when you are Real, shabbiness doesn't matter.

The boy falls ill with scarlet fever. Upon his recovery, he is sent to the seaside on doctor's orders. The boy wishes to take the Rabbit with him, but his doctor forbids him to take the germ-laden toy and says it must be burned along
with all the nursery toys in order to disinfect the nursery. While awaiting the bonfire, in which the Velveteen Rabbit will be burned, the Rabbit cries a real tear. This tear calls the Nursery Magic Fairy. She tells the Rabbit that he
was only real to the boy and brings him to the forest, where he realizes that he is a real rabbit at last and runs to join the other rabbits in the wild.

Perhaps when you have read this blog you might like to find the story and read it again for yourself.

In the meantime let's return to The Royal Victoria Hospital in Montreal

I was in Montreal in the early 1980's at an international fellowship of Prayer Conference. One day of the conference was set aside for participants to choose and attend a workshop on something they found interesting.
The idea of treating the whole person,and not just the disease (especially in terminally ill patients, was just finding roots in North America,and The Royal Victoria had become a leader in this area. They opened up a Palliative care unit that was a fantastic place.
I was really interested in this because I wanted to be an excellent pastor and caregiver to people,so off I went. I was blessed to have a large chunk of time sitting and listening to stories of life and hardship, grace beauty and Hope... Stories also about how terminal illness certainly changes your world,and the lives of so many others.

One of the stories was about a woman who spent her last days here,and could often be seen visiting through the unit,smiling,and no longer caring about her hair loss,radical weight loss,and all the other affects that Cancer had on her life. She had faced life,and discovered that she wasn't alone.She was loved and real.
Every where she went,she carried in her arms,and old Velveteen Rabbit.

That's where I am now. Weary and worn. Chemotherapy has rubbed off my hair and whiskers,Radiation has really caused an upheaval in my throat,and my white blood cells are still low...Life hasn't always be easy...

But that's Okay. I am Real.
I am loved by Jesus and my Heavenly Father.
I am loved by my family
I am loved by my friends
I am loved by the Church

As I write this I am back in Torbay. I will begin my last week of treatments tomorrow,before returning once again to be at home in Gander,where I belong.
It is so good to belong!

Grace Be with you.

Week Five of Treatment Entry 30

2010-09-16T09:44:00.007-02:30

Seventeen Days have passed since I last wrote in this blog.
In these days I passed through the worst effects of the Chemotherapy.
The effects this time were different,because I am now really feeling the build up of all the treatments I have taken to this point.
A summary would look something like this:
- The radiation is really making my mouth and throat hurt.
- I am only swallowing water and broth now.
- Most of my Nutrition is coming through the use of my feeding tube.
- I have what is known as "Thrush". This is an infection caused by the radiation and
chemotherapy; it involves my entire esophagus. It hurts!
- When I try to speak it sounds like I have a mouth full of marbles.
- I am still losing weight.
I am down to 150 pounds,and all my clothes are way too big.
But guess what? Karen still calls me "handsome".
Yesterday she made a comment about how nice my legs are ,to which I replied :"Sweet of
you to say,but I know my legs look like two hockey sticks with doorknobs screwed on
them for knees."

Rough Start
At the end of my last entry I was preparing myself for the next chemotherapy round.
While they have all been tough (for different reasons),they have been different in severity and in the emotional impact I went through.

I was very apprehensive about what was to come - especially in relation to the nausea.

Throwing up is something you have little control over once it starts, and because of my sore throat I knew there would be even more pain if it did. Scarey stuff to meditate upon.
This was weighing on both our minds and caused a heaviness that could only be answered by Karen and myself falling into each other's arms,openly weeping for each other and for ourselves. It was a time of great healing.

A Time for Everything
When you are first diagnosed with Cancer, your world gets pretty small in a hurry, and while some people might be more prepared than others to hear the news,we are not able to take it all in. No one is.
We reached the point last week where we wanted to make sure that we fully understood the nature of my illness and what we might expect following these horrendous treatments.
Between the Doctors and Caregivers we received as much information as possible.

We listened and learned.
After the original biopsy it was determined that there was a possibility to defeat this large tumour if the treatment was aggressive and,if the tumour responded to the chemotherapy.
It did respond quite well.

According to Dr. McCarthy ,no judgements or further diagnosis can be made until all my treatments are finished and my body begins to recover. We have to remember that although the treatments will be done,they will not stop working or affecting me for some time.
When the time is right,we will be off to town for an MRI and the answer to the basic question: "Did this work?" You know, I believe it will!

I met with the St. John's care team on Wednesday . The doctors feel that although "I look and feel like I a chased a fart through a bag of nails",that I am going to be able to finish my treatments. They told my that not many people have been able to run the whole course. Dr. McCarthy simply said: "I'm amazed that you're still standing."
Thank you everyone. Thank you for the energy and focus of prayer,concrete acts of love in action,and for being close to us. God has a wonderful Oncology team!

Dodged a Bullet
Thanks to Joanie Wicks and Dr.St. Croix at the Cancer clinic in Gander ,I returned to St. John's armed with the prescriptions I needed to combat the nausea.
They worked!
Although I did pass through a miserable fourteen days or so, I did not have to face that enemy. I am very thankful.
One important part of our memories of this journey will be of Joanie Wicks coming regularly to visit from "wherever she was - to wherever I was," IV bags, medicine and encouragement in tow,to make sure I remained hydrated and on track. It has made a huge difference.

A Sighting of Grace in a Valley in India
As part of our Fiftieth Anniversary celebrations last year, St. Martin's made a commitment to dig a tube well for a village in India. We were blessed by this outreach - the villagers of Khutguda received a beautiful tube well from which flows fresh,clean,water. Now,the incredible amount of energy used for walking many kilometers a day searching and struggling to find clean water could be used for other purposes.
It also brought peace.
In India,it is not uncommon for family and friend to fight with each other over access to precious water. We received correspondence from the village,complete with pictures to thank St. Martin's for the concrete act of love,and to tell us that because there now was enough water for all,feuds that had existed for generations were disappearing and people and entire families were being reconciled.
We all loved the pictures they sent,showing us the well and holding up Thank You cards for all to see.

On Wednesday past,when I woke up I was feeling terrible. Still sad,lots of pain and just wishing this would all go away.
Before getting out of bed to head to the hospital I checked my email.
There was one there from the village of Khutguda. They had heard of my illness,and in their desire to let us know that they care,gathered at "our" well with get well cards and good hearts.

The letter they wrote caused me to weep tears of healing and thankfulness. I have posted the letter on our website and placed a link on the bottom of this entry,should you wish to see it.
Meanwhile Sisters and Brothers -- we stay the course, surrounded by His Grace.
Peace

http://ourcommunion.org/card.pdf

The Gift of Faith (Entry 29)

2010-09-02T12:03:00.028-02:30

Many people have been in contact with me since this journey began. Although things have settled down, I have been ministered to in so many ways by so many,that my heart will be ever thankful.
I have received notes, calls and letters from folks who have offered kind comments about the strength and character of my faith. Many , (including my own daughters) have expressed amazement that I have been able to stay strong, hopeful, and at peace. (That I havent Lost It!)
I receive these words with gratitude when they come, but constantly admonish my heart to remember faith is a gift of God.
In the midst of my present life, I thank God that my faith remains.
As long as it does, Hope and Love are my constant companions as well!

The Gift of Faith - How do you do it?

What colour faith adds to each of our life's journeys! Think of the amazement little children show as they discover brand new things that only Mom and Dad can explain (or Nan and Pop! I love it. You should have seen Joshua's face when I told him all of my tubes and lines were there because the doctors and nurses were turning me into Spiderman!).
Ponder the times in your life that you kept faith in a friend or a loved one - someone other than yourself, and realized peace,hope and strength as a result.

Then, there is God to consider.
Somewhere in a wonderful and mystical way,God has planted within each of us the desire and ability to believe.
When I was much younger, I envisioned faith to be like a muscle. Once given,it was up to me to value and nurture it.
We all know that if we don't exercise and practise good health habits our muscles and bodies will weaken. As a result ,in times of illness, it is much harder to recover!

So it is with faith. Ecclesiastes 12 reminds us to:

Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near when you will say, "I have no delight in them"

Bless God! It is never too late to start nurturing and growing the gift of faith within.

Getting Caught Up on This Week
This week has been a bit tough. I had several appointments in relation to my ongoing treatment,which meant long hours waiting at the hospital.
My throat is feeling the results of the radiation more and more every day; soreness and pain are constant,and swallowing is becoming increasingly more difficult.
The shingles that I had developed last week have been treated and are responding well so I don't think that my Chemotherapy will be stopped this week. Blood work on Tuesday morning will let us know.
A great challenge for me this week is facing Chemotherapy on Tuesday.
Thanks to the folks at the Cancer clinic and Dr. St. Croix,I now have the prescriptions I need to combat the nausea - but I am not fooling myself, I know the two weeks from Tuesday onward are going to be rough. I sincerely ask for prayer.

We remained in Torbay for the Labour Day weekend. Chanda and Jason headed to Glenwood,so Karen and I are dog sitting and enjoying the company of our Emma. Joshua is also gone to visit his other grandparents in Appleton.

Encouraging Words
Today, please let me encourage you to grow your faith within. We need it to fully see and embrace the "bigger picture" of God's purpose . Faith is not some hopeless or blind attempt to "get through" life. It is a responsible and mature decision to trust in God. It is an acknowledgment that the God who created you,loves you, and waits to be invited into every moment of your days. It is extending the invitation,and walking in Holy Providence, now and forever.

I Try...

I try every day to meditate, pray and give thanks for the blessings in my life. It's not always easy - in fact, some days it's almost impossible,but I submit my heart daily until it surrenders to the Love that is God.

May you be blessed.

Week Three of Radiation Entry 28

2010-08-31T09:24:00.006-02:30

Its been a week of Birthdays.
Karen's birthday was on Sunday,and Chanda's birthday is today. I hope to spend some time with her following my radiation therapy today.
We arrived back in Torbay yesterday afternoon , having timed our departure from Gander so we would get to the Health Science Center at just the right time for my radiation appointment.
I am starting to feel the effects from the radiation now and trying to accept my new reality - my mouth is always sore,a dull ache in my upper jaw and a very tender throat. I am still trying to eat small meals because I know that it is important to keep my swallowing muscles working. (Hope for the future!) My tongue feels as if it has been burned, and most taste is long gone. My saliva glands are being affected as well.

It was a good weekend home. Always nice to see Elissa after a week away,and see that she is doing well. It is good to re-connect with friends and the Church as well. This week however,I wasn't up to Church on Sunday morning. Sunday morning was quite busy at our home though,because we had a fair number of visitors.
I really missed St. Martin's though.

Karen's birthday was quiet,some visits and cards, phone calls from the children - just the way she likes it. Usually we go somewhere together for a drive on her birthday. This year we just spent time together at the rectory. It was nice.

Before leaving for town,we went to the Cancer Clinic in Gander to have my PICC line flushed. (A PICC line is a long, slender, small, flexible tube with two openings for access that was inserted into a vein in my right upper arm. It stops in a larger vein in my chest near the heart) It's been there for weeks now.
Our dear friend Joanie Wicks met us with her usual smile and care,and before long we were getting ready for the road.
On the way out Dr. St. Croix stopped to say good morning,and quickly noticed a mark on my forehead..."Oh no..He's got shingles."
Yep. something else to add to my litany of woe.
She immediately wrote a prescription and I have begun treatment for that as well. I just hope that we can stop this. Shingles on the face can lead to eye problems as well as other things,and we don't want anything to interrupt the flow of treatments. I an scheduled for more chemotherapy after this weekend. I am NOT looking forward to it,but I will be very disappointed if it is unable to go ahead.

Lately I have been feeling a little "Cancer Isolation".
By that I mean that even though I am surrounded by people who love me and are giving so much,there are times, because of what is happening inside my body,that I feel unable to express my emotions. (Sadness? Lonley?) It is a strange mixture when you add Faith-Doubt-Pain-Prayer-Hope and Fear together. Strange indeed,but these things are very much a part of my life. Always were I guess,but the ratios have changed!True for most people,I'm sure.
Anyway,I'm off to face the day. Bloodwork this morning,Radiation this afternoon. I ask the Lord to fill the day with Grace and Love for each one of us.
God Bless my Friends!

Trains..................... Entry 27

2010-08-26T13:51:00.011-02:30

Yesterday I was well enough to Take my grandson Joshua to the railway museum in St. John's. It was a great day.
Joshua has the love that most little men have for trains,so we spent a couple of happy hours looking at the exhibits and playing "pretend we are on a real train Pop!"
No problem!I have always loved trains.
When my brother and I were quite young we lived in St. John's where our father served in the Canadian Army. Every year when school let out dad would put us on the train by ourselves and send us to Glenwood for the summer.
What an adventure!
My uncle Eddie owned a hotel in Glenwood that he was preparing to open for business. When my father retired he would join Eddie in a partnership. Eventually we moved to Glenwood permanently.

Growing up in Glenwood meant you were surrounded by the trappings of a logging town.
It was a small town in the sixties: all gravel roads, lots of trees all around - which meant plenty of trails to our hideouts, swimming holes,and other places where young people would gather for baseball or field hockey.
There were trains. Lots of trains. Bowaters ran the logging there; there was a railway siding just west of Glenwood where wood trains would back up and move forward - back up again, so another train could load and there would be the shuffling of wood cars.
There was one track that ran through the middle of town,and an additional siding that ran across town right in front of Uncle Eddie's Place.
We had all kinds of adventures playing on the tracks and around the trains. I should add,doing things that we should not have even thought about. But, who could resist placing an old key or a dime on the track to see it flattened by the train? Empty boxcars or flatcars left on the siding for any more than a day or so became part of our daily playground.
Okay, that's enough. I could write chapters of train story memories. Maybe later.
There is one memory however that I do want to share,because it really has been part of my life through many rough times.
Our home was fairly close to the main line,and there was always an early morning train. The sound of the train whistle cutting through the silence of the early morning air would announce the arrival of the huge locomotive.The sound would get louder and louder,then quieter and softer as the diesel moved further away ,until the only thing you heard, was the click-click-- click-click rhythm of the wheels crossing the joins in the track.
We were all used to it.
I was so used to it, that the noise did not upset my rest or even wake me up fully . There was a message in the train: morning was on time,the promise of a new day had arrived,and all was well.
I would always settle back to sleep listening to the peaceful rhythm of the rails; click-click click-click, and feel content and safe in those moments.
It has always stayed with me. Many times I have relaxed by remembering those mornings,closing my eyes and listening....

I often meditate in the Night Watch.
It is not strange for me to wake in the early morning hours with something pressing on my spirit. I wake with an instantly busy mind as if an arriving noisy locomotive had roused me from sleep. I use those times to pray, to think - and allow God to speak to me. Then,when I am ready ,the peace of Christ comes.
A peace beyond my understanding,but one that is a very real part of who I am today.

Yesterday I shared some train stories with my beloved buddy Joshua.
We had a great day!
I had to pace myself,and was feeling very tired by the time we arrived home,but I thank the Lord for the day. It refreshed my memories for sure. Spending time listening to Joshua talk and chat was as good as any medicine.

It is good to meditate on God's matters when we are well. It builds a reserve in your soul that allows you to sense the Presence when things are going badly. It is hard to pray and meditate when you are in pain or hurting, so we should prepare ourselves by being present with God whenever we can. That is another reason why Church attendance, regular prayer,study and involvement with the Body of Christ is so important.

Last Saturday evening, I was literally on my knees in my bedroom in Gander,retching uncontrollably into a bucket. It hurt -I was miserable and incredibly depressed. Then,I felt the hand of a friend who was there to help. She placed a cold cloth on my neck. Then the hands of my wife,comforting and strong,were upon me and I knew that God was there. What comfort and reassurance I felt!

May God give us all the Grace to see,and receive Jesus in each other.
May our hearts be open to the the gift that each day is.

Phillipians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
May you be blessed this day by your trust in God.

Radiation and Chemotheraphy begins..... Entry 26

2010-08-21T15:33:00.018-02:30

Hi everyone.
It Didn't take very long for the Chemotherapy and Radiation treatments to take effect.

I had hoped to take my grandson to the train museum on Tuesday after my radiation treatment. The plan was to have a short nap,then head out with Joshua.
By the afternoon I was feeling nauseated.
I woke up feeling violently sick and began throwing up. Later still,things settled down and I was able to relax but I stayed at home for the afternoon.

I remember one of my girls saying "I hate throwing up. It makes me sick."

On Friday after treatment we went home to Gander and I settled in to rest.
On Saturday night it started again ..full force.
It seemed as if everything in my body was losing control: bowels not working,sore throat,vomiting lots of pain, hadn't eaten in two days and....it was as Karen said "The week from Hell"
I thank God for Joanie and Dr. St. Croix who came to my rescue with the things I needed to control the pain and nausea. When things settled down I slept for hours.What a gift their presence was!

We arrived back in St. John's yesterday and I resumed treatment. I am feeling better now.

While I am always certain that there is Grace in the Valley of the Shadow,I certainly struggled this weekend.
I will continue the radiation treatments every day until the wonderful number 35 is reached (I have finished six treatments). I will receive more chemotherapy on September 7 and September 28. The doctors tell me the next two chemotherapy treatments are going to be worse,so get ready for them. I'll do my best. My radiation treatment are causing be some discomfort - my throat hurts,swallowing is getting harder there is pain in my jaw and ringing in my ears as well.

Where is God in all this?
I have always felt that how we respond to diversity is a clear indicator of how much we appreciate life. When I was diagnosed with cancer following my biopsy we had a very quiet ride home. At one point I looked up at the sky and said a prayer of thanksgiving for the fact that I have very seldom taken the gifts and the joys of life for granted. I could honestly say to God,"I don't have a lot of regrets".
Of course there are regrets in every person's life .Far too many for most of us. I learned a long time ago that God is in every minute of my life,that he values it,and he loves me. I believe Jesus is with me, and when I weep and hurt,he does too.

I believe that any heart that is not thankful can never be happy or content.I try to receive every moment , and the people within the moment, as a gift. You cannot "Take" or claim any day as rightfully yours. Each one is a gift from God.
It is good to be truly thankful,for when you are ,appreciation,trust and Grace will abound in your life no matter what comes and you will be able to fully and truly walk in love and peace.
I thank God for each of you.
John+

First Radiation Treatment ........ Entry 25

2010-08-16T22:10:00.017-02:30

Greetings all. We are in Torbay - The second fastest growing community in Newfoundland!

This morning began with an early rise then off to the Health Sciences Center.
The super friendly folks there introduced themselves while ushering me off to a comfortable little room. I began my first chemotherapy session around 9:30 and was there until around 5:30p.m Karen was with me and we passed the time together. I was pretty comfortable because I was in bed. Karen had to sit along side me and make the best of it.
God love her!

I was originally scheduled to begin the radiation treatment at 3:30, but because of some hospital computer problems I didn't get started until almost 6:30.
Even though it was "one of those Mondays" for the staff,they kept smiling and cheerful faces for all to see.

God Love em!

I sure hope our friends back in Gander at the Cancer clinic had a GREAT day today!

God love em too!

I always do my best to smile and encourage people when they are having a rotten day,even when I feel impatient and cranky myself.
There are a whole bunch of Scriptures that encourage us to be this way!
Job for example: “I will leave off my sad countenance and be cheerful.” Job 9:27
scriptures tell us to"Guard the heart for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23).

When you put the best side out...it brings power to your Christian witness,helps you make new friends AND it allows God to bless you the way he wants to!

Time for Radiation

Before I describe the radiation, let me tell you about The Mask .

A few weeks ago I was fitted with a special mask that is designed to keep my head PERFECTLY still while the radiation is directed to the right place. They begin by placing you on a hard table with your head laying on a block,and your knees elevated by a piece of styrofoam. They take a piece of white plastic that is filled with holes and place it in a hot water bath. When it is up to temperature, nice and hot ,the sheet becomes very soft and moldable. Around the edges there is a metal frame with holes.
They pull the sheet over your face,very quickly line up the holes with a locking device on the table,lock it, then set to molding it all around your features. You feel them poking and pulling the plastic around your face until it makes a perfect fit, The locks prevent any movement, so when the plastic hardens it becomes a device that you can see and breathe through,but prevents you from moving at all. They place a cold cloth on the mask to help it set faster. If you are claustrophobic it might cause some stress. If you use your imagination it might feel something like a facial sauna.
Shape and appearance wise, it looks kind of like the headpiece of an Egyptian mummy. (less the gold trim!)

Getting Ready
When my turn came for radiation treatment I entered a room that was rather cool temperature wise. Soft music was playing in the background.
Like most special hospital rooms with special equipment , the unfamiliar environment effect was enhanced by the presence of equipment and machines I had never seen before.
Two friendly radiologists greeted me and apologized for the delay. I was asked to lay down on the hard table ,arms by my side,a block under my head and a styrofom pillow to elevate my knees.
They explained the procedure. My job was to relax,breath normally and wait for the process to finish. First some pictures to make sure the alignment was perfect,and then the radiation. You don't see or feel anything through the process which lasts about twenty minutes.

I see and feel things all the time. Too nosy to relax! Once on the table I get a chance to view the machine. At the head of the table there is a device which rotates a camera and radiation device around your head. It hums and chirps as it does it's job.
Looking up,you see a white ceiling that looks as if a large circle has been cut into it. The inside of the circle is black and has a number of little bright lights scattered through it. It is similar to lying down and looking at the night sky. Quite an effect.
Then comes the mask.
The mask is secured and clamped.
It is tight. Very snug indeed .
You take a breath and ask for grace to stay calm. I didn't do too bad at all.

During the treatment I envisioned the radiation as God's healing rays. Beautiful healing rays carrying the prayers and power of Jesus and His Church.- a gift of life.

May His healing rays wash over you and every need in your life.

All in all today went well.
The only turmoil in my heart and mind is wondering what the effects of the combined treatments will be. I know that the Chemotherapy's effects will settle in after a few days and my white cell count will drop. I also know that the radiation will cause throat irritation,loss of appetite,loss of saliva and possible remove my ability to eat.

But, armed with a feeding tube,great staff around and the gift of faith, we will overcome!

One of the things that made my day easier in terms of getting ready was a letter from an old friend and parishioner from a former parish . She has been through something very similar to my illness and has taken the time to share her story with me via email. She helped me prepare for today,and has blessed me greatly. Thank you my sister.

Thank you everyone for all the notes of encouragement.

The other was St. Martin's on Sunday.
I was able to conduct the morning worship services with the help of Revd. Brian. The encouragement and love I receive from the Church is much more than just a feeling. I have carried a strength that comes from outside - the gift of faith generated by my life in Christ and my life in his beloved Church.
During the worship and around the time of the Peace, Revd. Brian wisely called the Vestry members forward and asked the congregation to join their hearts in prayer as he anointed me for healing.

It was a powerful time for us all. Mine and Karen's hearts were blessed greatly.Healing flowed to us all.

Here is a passage from James (chapter five) that speaks about healing power in the Christian way of life.

Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord and the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up.

Thank you for the gift of faith and fellowship everyone. May God bless you daily,and keep you in the light of His love.

Getting Ready for more ......... Entry 24

2010-08-14T09:06:00.005-02:30

I am sitting in my old lazy boy chair downstairs as I write this .
That brown cloth and faux leather throne that sits beside our bed has been quite a friend to me lately.
When I recline, it sets me at just the right angle for my tummy to stay settled after those feeding tube meals. My last daily feeding is around nine o'clock in the evening so I generally spend the first part of my night tucked into the chair. After a few hours of sleep there,I make my way into bed . Honestly, I do try not to wake Karen when I climb into the bunk ,but there have been nights when I have wacked her in the head with my pillow trying to get comfortable!

Karen has been running around the house all evening packing up the stuff we will need in St. John's for the next number of weeks. Our Daughter Elissa is home with us so we have no worries about feeding the cats and dog while we are away. We do hope to get home on weekends if possible. If only I could get this chair into Torbay.....

I saw Dr. McCarthy on Wednesday,who along with her colleague, had a look at my results and chatted about them with us. We shared that things look very positive because my tumour did respond to the chemotherapy. We know that I have been through a very strong treatment and that it made me very ill... but ...the end result should be a cure for this Cancer.
To that end she reminded me that they still want to throw everything they have at the disease. That means more chemotherapy along with radiation.
It means I should expect to be very ill again--and not expect to be able to do much.
We will see...
The chemotherapy will be given three times over the next seven weeks.
During the same time I will be given 35 radiation treatments.
It starts 9:30 a.m on Monday morning

Part of me is longing to get started with the treatments. I so desire to get on with this so that I can get back to my life.
Another part of me feels the apprehension fear and the anxiety of the unknown. "What if this does not work?" " How much more can we bear?"...you know...all those human questions that beset us about so many things in life.

When the shadow of apprehension comes, I am reminded by God's spirit of all the people who love us and are praying for me right now. I feel the power of my Lord through the presence of His Church. His Church is made up of a wonderful variety of people, and I thank Him for every one. It is good to feel surrounded by the positive energy of love!
My friend David reminded me of that this week in an email he sent to encourage me. It is from Hebrews 12:

Therefore let us also, seeing we are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.

I am ready. Thanks be to God.

I will continue this blog from Torbay,I pray, on Monday Night.

I want to take a few lines now to express my thanks to all who have been following this blog. At first I offered it as a way of inviting people to share this journey with me and to keep everyone posted as to how I was doing. I had hoped it would become a ministry of encouragement to others.
It seems to have accomplished all of that. I have prayed to the Lord that he would keep me connected to the Church through this journey into the Valley of Shadows. I have been amazed and blessed by the responses to my writings. Many people have been sending me notes through Facebook,or at the email address listed on this blog page.

I am thankful for the ministry others have had to me by their sharing.
Each week I hear from folks who have a story,a prayer request,or prayers to share. Last week's blog brought a number of affirming emails from people in the parish (and outside) who expressed how God has spoken to them.

I was truly blessed to have been able to preside at the services on Sunday past. It was so good to share lots of hugs. I'll be back this Sunday to be with St. Martin's congregation before I head into town.
With a thankful heart I pray for you: May the peace and Love of Christ,bless you richly this night and always.

Some waiting time entry 23

2010-08-05T21:33:00.011-02:30

Certain childhood memories- good or bad, never fade much do they?
I was thinking this week of a trip we made to Niagara Falls in Mom's old Pontiac Strato Chief.
I would have been in Grade two as I remember. On the way home we stopped at an attraction called Pioneer Village. It was one of those cultural displays with wax figure reproductions of buildings and artifacts of daily life during the Pioneer Days. I remember it well. Looking back,I think the memory is positive simply because it was a good day for our troubled family and because it caused a chain reaction of good events that helped me later in my life.

Just after the visit I completed a school project on the "Life of the Pioneers." Armed with a child's imagination, several brochures,and mom's help I was able to write (in my own young mind's opinion) an incredible historical and scientific account of life in the olden days.
It was complete with illustrations too! I thought the paper should have been placed in the Smithsonian. The teacher gave me a B grade.
Mom was thrilled with it,and as a reward for staying focused and doing well ,took me out to a local burger joint to celebrate.

Another good day.

I remember that time in my life as a point where I began to appreciate the value of THE PROJECT.
I believe that God has planted the desire to be creative in all of us.
Think about it.
He created the world and all that is,and hasn't stopped creating ever since.
God works in partnership with us (if we choose to accept the partnership) and helps us create a life story that will resonate through eternity.
Each of us is part of a chain reaction through which the things we do and say have an effect on what is,and what is to come, in people's lives.

I have been a project oriented person all my life. I love creating,building and sharing. I love crossing that finish line knowing something I have started (either by myself or working with others) has been achieved. What a feeling!

If you want to think some more about that why not spend some time looking through the Bible with a view to discovering just how God tries again and again, to engage people and get them involved with "Tasks" that demand our best efforts.
Remember too, that God really does not need us to accomplish anything - but he WANTS us. Why?
Because (I believe,in my own young mind's opinion) He just loves to see a plan come together and all things working for good.
God loves to see us cross the finish line with joy in our accomplishments!

That is one of the things that keeps me going through this Cancer battle,even if I can't stand the thought of being sick.
More of that in a moment.

Here is a passage to get you started:

First Corinthians Chapter 3,verse 9 following:
We work together with God . And you (The Church) are God's garden and God's building. God was kind and let me become an expert builder. I laid a foundation on which others have built. But we must each be careful how we build, because Christ is the only foundation.

I love the thought that the Church (People...not the building) is God's personal project!

Reality Check? Time to Honestly be human....
I wonder sometimes (quite often actually) how others who have been affected by Cancer, some other illness or life situation, see God's plan for their lives. It's hard to get focused on the bigger picture when your world has been shrunk by adversity.

Let me honestly share just a few of the the things that I have pondered these past few months. I would be interested in hearing from people to learn if you relate to any of this tip of the iceberg.

Right now, I am still in a holding pattern. I am waiting to get to St. John's to see more doctors and to start the treatment that I know will be making me very ill again. Soon, I will drop off the radar in Gander for a number of weeks to re-enter the fight for life and a future.
I long to be back already. I miss my life,and I miss my Church. I miss working with Revd. Brian and Harvey. I miss the Sunday Worship at St. Martin's. I miss a good steak!

Wondering:
Right now,aside from a few medications I am not having any treatment. Several weeks will have passed by the time I begin more Chemotherapy and Radiation. I am trying to rest and be patient. I am also trying to do something that resembles work and moving ahead. Quite often I find my self wondering if the delay is allowing the tumour to grow again. Each ache and pain sets off a thought pattern of doubt and wonder... what if...what if....

Impatience:
Often I say that I am anxious to get started with these treatments. Let's get on with it! Yet, at the same time, I am thankful for the break in treatment because the whole experience of being sick was very rough. I know that a harder time is just ahead of me,and it does cause uncertainty and anxiety.I feel I am going to get better,but waiting can be so difficult....

Speaking of Anxiety: With any life threatening illness comes questions about your life span. My prognosis is good,but that does not stop me from looking back and asking questions about what I have been able to accomplish during the fifty years I have been here.

" Is there any lasting value in what I have done?"
"What about the marks I have left on people - good or bad?"

"Was I the best Dad and Husband I could have been?"

"And what of the future?"

"How much time do I have left to do "projects?"

"Will I have to spend the rest of my life fighting to be healthy and strong enough to enjoy life?"

"Will I be able to stay the course financially and be able to retire at a decent age?"

"Will there be any lasting value in what I have left to offer?."

"Any regrets?" .....Dear God, It's three in the Morning and I need to sleep. I place all of the past in your hands and come to you seeking healing and wholeness for the future....Now I lay me down to sleep.....

Helpless and Tired... Now that I am feeling better I am able to deal with all the negative thoughts and worries fairly well.
Even so,I can't do the things I used to. Yard work,physical labour,long conversations,writing....you name it...... It is harder to do everything. When you struggle to carry groceries into the house never mind something a little more strenuous,you feel helpless.
Not a good feeling at all!
There were so many things that I wanted to finish both at home and in the parish through the summer and early Fall.
These things are on hold until I can get back to them. I believe that I will be well, and that I will recover my strength,but the waiting is so long.

However , in these moments when I feel helpless I am helped along by my heart's thankfulness for all of the love and practical encouragement from my friends and family.
Thank you everyone for all your the gifts,in whatever form they have come to us.

Relationship Sensitivity Just fancy words that describe how one feels when overwhelmed by the love and kindness of people when hurting.

I have now experienced first hand what I have counselled people for years to prepare for during hard times.
Quite often when there has been a death or serious illness in a family, people are strongly supported through the early stages.
This is especially true when illness has been short and dramatic,or when there has been a sudden tragedy. People's hearts are full, and they come running to help.

Believe it or not, some people find it hard to deal with large outpourings of love and sympathy,preferring to be alone and in solitude. These people however, still need and appreciate the faithful support of their friends. it's just a matter of being caring ,sensitive and available.

People are helped and healed by the concern of others! People do really become the feet and hands of Jesus when they reach out. Love in action is a very powerful and practical thing which brings the power of healing to bear on hurting people.

But.... no matter what the situation,
people must return to their own lives and occupations. Life goes on. And it should. I always remind people that this will happen and you may experience a large vacuum and a sense of "aloneness" . Several times over the years as a priest I gave large amounts of time to people through tragedies . I have also spent much energy through the time following. There is always a time when you know as a counsellor,that you must help folks move on and reclaim their lives. I have always done that through honest conversation and by visiting less frequently to see how folks would do.Sometimes people take what seems forever to get back to living. Some never do.
I remember one man,who had lost a child, coming to me months after - still hurting and grieving,accusing me with anger of never doing one thing to help his family through. Years later,that still hurts. The truth is that I and our Church had exhausted ourselves through sharing the grief and had been rock solid through the whole thing.
When someone is angry at God,they will in one way or another express that anger toward anyone who is God's "representative" .

I cannot even begin to adequately express my appreciation and love for the way everyone has responded to me and Karen during this time of trial. The power of love and the outreach I have experienced has made a huge difference in my life.
I love my family and friends,and am very thankful for all the love and support. I am counting on it to continue when I head off for more treatments.

Moving Forward
I wait and rest in God. I am trusting in all he speaks to my spirit,and in all I see around me.
I wait:thankful for my family,my friends,thankful for the Church,for there I see my Lord, and the working and movement of His Holy Spirit. It is all around us.

We have faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love.

Ephesians Chapter 2
Reminds me of God's love and support. It reminds me that he is working in my life to create something beautiful,and I accept the fact that Cancer is going to be part of the picture of my life's story.

My friend ,thank you for reading.
My prayer today is that you too will see that you are His personal project! That you will know that God loves you and is very concerned about each moment you live.
Whatever comes in your life ,remember that he is working something beautiful in you . It is something that you cannot even imagine.....a reality that will be revealed to you in the fullness of His Grace,and in the time that He knows is best.

May Peace and Love rest upon you.

Getting Some Early Results ....... Entry 22

2010-07-28T22:13:00.011-02:30

Yesterday morning found me back at the Health Science Radiation department to meet a whole new group of people, have an IV placement, a C.T. Scan,and a special mask made that will hold my head firmly in place when the radiation treatments start. As well as all of that I was to receive some news from the M.R.I. that I had a day sooner.
While we were in the waiting room one of the staff members came out and sat with us for a few minutes.
"You don't know me do you?" I replied, that I did, but couldn't remember her name. Turns out that she was one of the young people in Grand Bank who used to frequent the back yard of the rectory. When we were there our girls had all sorts of friends so our home, with it's large basement,big yard (with two wonderful huge rocks for lying on) and willing parents, became the hang out for a lot of young people.
This young lady and I began to reminisce,and in so doing recalled a couple of sad stories about tragedies that had befallen some of the young people in our town during those years. I had a special ministry to the young people of the parish in those days,partly because of my passion for youth work,but largely because many of our youth were going through hard times. We had a high rate of teen suicide,depression,drug and alcohol issues that obviously caused a lot of darkness and brokenness. The positive result was the formation of a community with a unique and strong bond.
Anyway,one of the young people we spoke of was a beautiful young lady named Michelle. She was a member of our Church,part of the youth group and a member of our little youth choir.
She was one of the kids who would come to the house,sleep over (sneak out to play in the yard at 3:30 in the morning,not knowing that they were being watched carefully the whole time), and was part of "the gang". She had a mischievous way about her ,and a smile that could cheer you up!
Let me make a long story a little shorter. In time, I left the parish,and physically left my beloved young people behind. They grew some more , graduated from high school and began to get on with their lives.
While Michelle was just out of High School,she was diagnosed with cancer. It broke my heart to hear the news.
It broke a lot of hearts,because the prognosis was not good. She fought bravely,finishing one semester of university and getting ready for another. In between, I had been invited to Grand Bank to do a wedding at the Salvation Army,so I went early to see my old friend. It was a good visit. She also attended the wedding. When the service was over,I joined her at the back of the Church for a chat and a hug. I'll never forget what she said. "Father John,that was a beautiful service. Promise me that when I get married you'll come and do the wedding?" A nod from me, and a smile. "Or my Funeral?" I looked at her and wept, I made the promise. Wasn't too long after that and she was gone.

Now, lets go back to the waiting room.
Shortly after my conversation, Dr. Sathya came and sat with us. This Doctor is so gentle and caring,that you automatically think of him as a friend. He explained the process of what was about to happen -pausing between P.A. announcements in order to ensure we heard everything that he was saying.
Then,after the technical stuff, said that he had looked at yesterday's M.R.I.
"Good News". He told us that the image shows a definite shrinkage in the tumour. he estimated it to be a almost fifty percent. "That's what I was hoping for",he smiled and left us.
What it means is that the Chemotherapy has been effective in doing what needed to be done. It also shows us that this tumour will respond to treatment. It allows room for some really positive energy!
So how did we feel?
- That prayer had been answered.
- We felt Thankful for the power of Prayer - and friends- and the Church - and all the notes and messages
- We felt like we had "Scored one for the Team". We were filled with joy.
We cried because of the emotions,and when we called our children, they cried too.

Any thing else?
Yes.
I thought of Michelle and a host of other people who I shared news with over the years.
News that was not always good. I hurt for them and for for their families. Before God, in that moment I blessed their memories.
These wounded are the beloved of God,and the memory of them will remain in my heart forever. Their prayers and good wishes for me are precious.
I was amazed at how much it Hurt.

With all that we say about God.....
With all we say about His Goodness,Loving Kindness and Mercy.....
We should never forget that his answer is not always "Yes".
And, we should never forget that some people go through great pain and sadness - not because they don't have faith,or because they don't believe,
but
because life is hard sometimes, and we are human.

With all I say about God,
I remember....
.....and pray for Grace to remember,
that I am no more loved by the Father or more deserving, or better, (or worse)
than anyone else.

I believe with all my heart though,that no matter what happens to any of us,it is God's will and action to keep us in his hand and love us. Someday,all will be reconciled and made perfect in his love. What a party we are going to have when we all make it home someday!

In thankfulness today,I say to you that I am just a beggar who has found some bread (The Bread of Life), and I wish to share it with as many other beggars as I meet.

May God Bless you My friends.

Back to Church for Morning Prayer ,Off To Town for an MRI Entry 21

2010-07-27T06:42:00.005-02:30

On Sunday (July 25) I was able to attend morning worship at the Cathedral. Overall I have been feeling pretty good. I have been able to see a few people at the rectory and make some telephone and email connections.

Some of the things that take the pressure off me in relation to Parish life begin with the fact that summer is here. Things slow down in the parish during the summer months (they don't stop!), so I have a sense of peace - I have a sense that we are all resting and building up strength and our anticipation for the fall.

Also,we have a wonderful group of leaders at St. Martin's. Our Wardens and Vestry are faithful and committed to our mission,and have been very supportive of my journey back to health.
The same can be said for the members of our Parish.
On Sunday morning during the sermon,I was able to say "Thank You"to everyone and assure them that I can fell the powe of their prayers and love!
We all know that I have a way to go,and that from August to October I will be undergoing some intensive radiation and chemotherapy at the same time.

I am not looking forward to it -at least not the part where I lose all appetite and taste,and possibly some of my hearing.These things will be out of my control,as will be the amount of pain that is yet to come.
I am however , standing on thankfulness and faith!
I am remembering that the goal that I press toward is health and a life blessed by God,family and the fellowship of my Church.
I look forward to that!

There is a passage in Philippians 3:14 that I love: I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
To me this passage is a reminder of the providence and care that comes from the One whom I trust with all that I am,and all that I will ever be.
My commitment to serve and honour Christ has not wavered,and my prayer is that God will use me to bless others,and draw us all closer to His heart and to each other.

I was able to have a meeting with our Church Wardens Yesterday morning before I left for St. John's. Together we discussed the activities taking place in the parish,and got caught up on things. I thank God for the ministries of Carl and Debbie. They represent our vestry and people well! They have reminded me that though my illness has changed the face of my ministry,my it has continued and grown in other areas. I am thankful that this blog has been a blessing to people.
I am also very thankful for the ongoing lay ministries that make our Church what it is- a warm and welcoming community,where together we are learning how to follow Jesus in our time.
I thank God for the staff of St. Martin's - Our Clergy, Brian and Harvey who faithfully exercise their ministries with love and hope. For Derek and Tracey for caring about our property and people,Revd. Arnold Torraville for his ongoing ministry of visiting,and Bishop David,my friend and rock through all of this.

MRI Today
We drove in from Gander yesterday. I am at Torbay,in my daughter's house. It is very quiet here because the Grand kids are with their parents back in Gander. It is different,for sure. This house is usually buzzing with noise and activity!
At any rate,the quietness matches my mood. I started typing this around 6 a.m. this morning. I awoke early after a good night's sleep and am getting ready for the day.
Today is the day the process of answering some big questions begins. I am scheduled for an MRI at 2:00. Tomorrow I see some specialists about the radiation therapy.
I am not at all apprehensive about machines or testing,but obviously am anxious to hear the answer to the question "Has the Chemotherapy shrunk the tumour?" and "how do things look for the future?"
I know from past experience with family and friend who have had cancer how it feels just before an appointment. I am no different - but I will meet this day with a smile,with hope and with love in my heart.
I'll let you know how things go!

First Days Home (Entry 20)

2010-07-20T10:06:00.017-02:30

At our house in Glenwood we have a Damson tree. This little plum tree was planted in our yard over twenty years ago. If you have patience enough to wait until after the first frost,the fruit becomes sweet and rich. Every year without fail,this tree has given us a great crop of Damsons,some of which end up in the Church fall sale,in our grand children's baskets,or as gifts to neighbours and friends.
Until last year that is. Over the past few years our tree has developed what is known as Black Knot. Black Knot is known by the rough, black areas that grow on trees that are infected. Eventually it kills the tree. I have been pruning and hoping for a couple of years that we would beat this,but last year it seemed that the tree would have to go.

I had decided to cut down the tree this year,but my health prevented me from doing my usual spring yard work so the tree was spared. When I did get out to have my Spring look around the yard,it was after my diagnosis and I was having a pretty good day.
I walked over to the Damson tree and looked at it. Not much promise. A few leaves trying to grow,but the tree was no where near where it should be.

It looked like a skeleton.

I placed my hand on the trunk and said: (yes ,out loud) "My old friend,you look like someone with cancer. I can't bear to cut you down. Let's see what happens."

That was another one of those moments where the whole diagnosis comes crashing back,and you are forced to spend some moments in wondering what is to come. Sadness ,Joy,and hope mingled together.
I guess in the same way I want my tree to live,I reach out in hope for my own future days.

Here are some of the scriptures I hold on to:
I went to the Lord for help. He answered me and rescued me from all my fears. -- Psalm 34:4

I'm convinced that God, who began this good work in you, will carry it through to completion on the day of Christ Jesus. -- Philippians 1:6

Wait with hope for the Lord. Be strong, and let your heart be courageous. Yes, wait with hope for the Lord. -- Psalm 27:14

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:19

I have been home since Monday (July 19). My goal has been to rest and get those calories that I need each day into my system. I have lost almost 55 pounds since I was diagnosed with cancer,and it is vital that I stabilize the weight loss before beginning my radiation treatments. I am doing the best I can now with each day because I know when the radiation starts,the intent is to give me some more chemotherapy at the same time. I am bracing for this time,getting my heart soul and body ready as best I can. Through all this thoughts of Family,My Church,and all of you have kept me going.

When I got home from the hospital this week it took some getting used to. This fifteen days stint in hospital was quite the experience. The Chemotherapy overpowered my system,the feeding tube site was infected,white Blood cells gone . Reaching the turning point where my blood cells began to recover was a cause for thanksgiving. It touched my heart when the nursing staff would come into my room and celebrate with me! While I was in the hospital I was placed in isolation,so I want to thank all of you who tried to visit,but were stopped by the staff,or signs on the hospital room door. There was a time during all of this when I felt incredibly lonely and cut off from everyone. I especially missed St. Martin`s congregation because I enjoy the fellowship so much ,and draw so much strength from our Church. Thanks for all the love!

Anyway, when I got used to the fact that I was back in my own house and that Karen would actually be able to spend a night in her own bed too, I settled in for a good nights sleep.

The first day home I took some time to read the cards and emails I had received. I was sitting in my favorite chair in our living room and had a moment or two or three... in which I was overcome with emotion simply because I realized the extent of how much people care and were expressing that love. I have received some powerful personal notes and gifts from people. This is a powerful healing force,and I am humbly thankful for it.

I am also thankful for our health care system. The whole environment of care that you enter as a cancer patient is second to none here in Newfoundland,and that is because of the people for sure. I have always appreciated and been thankful for health care workers in my roles as a pastor and as a patient over the years,but this experience has certainly deepened my regard and appreciation.

Nurses and caregivers in the health care system seem to have a have a special wisdom and heart quality about them. That wisdom becomes obvious when you engage them in a conversation. It doesn't take long to realize that they have experienced much,care much and are doing the very best they can for everyone committed to their care. I wonder sometimes if people fully appreciate just how hard they work from the time each 12 hour shift begins until they are able to go home. Minute by minute,hour by hour,caring giving and sharing.
Thank you. Thank you So much.

Whats Next
As I mentioned, I expect to be in St. John's from the 27 -28 for an MRI and the imaging work required to make a mask for the radiation. Soon after the MRI we will be able to share with you how much the tumor is shrinking. We are believing it is. my voice is stronger and clearer,and I able to eat and swallow again.
I know that this is a temporary thing because the radiation therapy will cause my throat to be very sore - but at least we know that this is part of the cure!

I have been resting,but doing a few light jobs around the house to "get the blood going",doing a bit of work for the Diocese and parish websites,and even a few counseling appointments as I feel strong enough. I have been spending time in prayer and study as well. Who knows what Sunday will bring?

My first radiation treatments begin in early to mid August if all goes according to plan. I will see Dr. St. Croix this afternoon. Karen and I both look forward to meeting with this wonderful Doctor and her staff at the Cancer Clinic. She is direct,encouraging,caring,and has become a great blessing to us.

Oh The Damson tree? It's worth a drive by to look at it. There's a picture for you up above.There are a few bare branches,but overall the tree is doing great,and is loaded with Damsons!
I'll have lots to share in the fall. Thanks be to God.

Still Working on number 2! (Entry 19)

2010-07-15T21:51:00.005-02:30

July 15
Today marks one month since I started Chemotherapy. The nursing staff and Folks at the Cancer clinic have become regular fixtures in my life and I am thankful for them. Karen feels the same. We are also incredibly grateful for all the cards,notes and letters from people all around the province and Country. It makes one realise just how many relationships we move through in a lifetime, and how friends never really forget each other. It makes me realise how important it is to make the best ,and be the best for each other.
I have been in the hospital now for eleven days and expect to be here for at least four more. My white blood cells have been dropping, but thank God, this morning they finally began to rise. My feeding tube infection is well under control, and I am taking another try at a pump,which puts liquid food directly into my stomach . If I can tolerate it this time,we will try a direct feed and I'll still be able to eat regular fashion if I choose.

Because this lot of chemotherapy overpowered my system, it had to be stopped early. The doctors have decided to move ahead with radiation preparations with more chemotherapy mixed in.
I expect to be in St. John's from the 27 -28 for an MRI and the imaging work required to make a mask for the radiation. Soon after the MRI we will be able to share with you how much the tumor is shrinking. We are believing it is.

Today has been a better day,although I am very tired. I look forward to tomorrow,a little more energy,and a little more hope for us all.
May God Bless you and Keep you all this night my friends.

Second Treatment Entry 18

2010-07-13T15:09:00.016-02:30

Getting a Feeding Tube (Last Monday July 5th)
I have cancer in my tongue and the upper part of my throat.
Surgery is not an impossible option,but, because it involves my tongue and vocal chords we have left it behind for now.

For that reason the treatment choice was to aggressively go after the tumour with chemotherapy, and when it shrinks as much as possible, finish it of with radiation.

Sounds good to me!

However, getting to that point in the road is not that easy. The first thing I have to keep on my mind is the importance of nutrition.

Bad enough having Cancer in your mouth , (It really hurts!) You have to eat to maintain a healthy weight and balance and to combat the effects of your treatment.

That's been a huge problem for me. My appetite is gone. No taste,Lots of pain - and ,after the first round of chemotherapy,I assure you you do not want to eat.
I had adjusted my diet to include all kinds of supplements and nutrients, but still,by the time I entered hospital last week,had lost another 8 lbs.
It was time for another adjustment. When I face radiation therapy my throat will feel worse. The doctors tell me that specific areas may respond quite strongly to what is going to happen,and that I will probably need some help with nutrition.
That time came earlier than we thought,and because I need to get some weight back right now,we decided to proceed with the insertion of a feeding tube. For the first hours all went well. I was getting used to the tube that has been inserted through the front of my stomach,the bloating that comes with the new liquid diet,and the cramping that sometimes come when the tube is flushed. These are just mixtures and adjustments - I can handle it .
Sunday evening when the feeding began, all was normal, but before long I started to feel really cold and began to shiver uncontrollably. I asked one of the nurses for a blanket and bundled up, but I knew that something was going wrong. It wasn't until we turned off the food supply that I was able to settle down and stop shivering.

Dr. St. Croix came in and immediately consulted with her colleagues in the St. John`s Cancer Clinic,and together they determined that my body had taken all the Chemo it could stand. Chemotherapy is alien and poison to the body to begin with. That's how it works...it gets in between the cancer cells when they finish their little cycles,and prevents them from replicating.

My chemo had reached the point where it has become toxic to my body. All my levels have dropped sooner than before, and even with neupogen (a white cell stimulant),my white blood cells continue to drop. Tomorrow I must try and eat again. This is all to be expected because you carry the effects of the last treatments into the next ones but
I experienced a perhaps the most uncomfortable and fearful night of my life last night.
Earlier this afternoon Dr. St. Croix made some adjustments with my medications. Things began to improve,and I do believe all will be better. I am on four antibiotics as well to prevent any infections from getting hold of me while I am so vunerable. The only people allowed in the room are the nursing caregivers,and they are required to wear gowns and masks to keep me safe from any germs from other rooms.
The nursing staff on this unit have been wonderful. I know some of them from my pastoral work here at James Paton,some from the community,and still others from our Church family at St. Martin's. The little visits,smiles and stories have been a great blessing .
The plan now is to move on to an MRI discover how much this tumor has shrunk,and begin my radiation treatments. We just have to make sure that it is safe for me to leave the hospital.

Earlier today,when I woke from a nap I engaged the Lord in a time of prayer. Sometimes when I pray, I don't speak (not even with my mind) but focus on an image of the Cross, or my Bible,or even St. Martin's. My goal is to allow God to begin the thought process of this time of Communion. Sometimes I see different people who I know in our Church Congregation or community,and I pray for them at that time.
This afternoon, the words of a poem I studied in university came to me. The poem itself is incredibly sad,for the writer, John Keats is telling the tale of how he has leave his love behind forever, because he must leave the country due to failing health.

That was in 1820,and the poem is entitled Bright Star.
Some of the lines in the first verse refer to a star,steadfast and true, watching the earth from far above. Watching the oceans wash on earth's shores: "The moving waters at their priestlike task Of pure ablution round earth's human shores".
I love the thought of God's Spirit hovering over the water,and of natures touch -bringing healing and holiness to our broken world.
We do Ablutions after every Eucharist. The Priest and Eucharistic ministers present the Chalice to the presider , who lovingly and carefully cleans the Plate and Chalice of the Body and Blood of our Beloved Lord,so that it can be used again.
This was the image I received,and thanked God for today.
Shortly after,I needed to make an emergency dash to the bathroom,and needed help to get my self cleaned up. My beloved wife comes with towels and water,with love gentleness
and encouragement to perform her Ablutions. She not only represents herself and her undying love for me , but that of our children and family, and of God`s true Blessing in our midst. I am standing there,helpless,vulnerable,but I am safe. I Love you Karen
These are days of Love and Grace .
Thank You Lord
Amen

July 10 2010 Dean and Tina's Wedding Entry 17

2010-07-11T19:07:00.016-02:30

July 12 2010
A couple of Dear Friends were Married at St. Martin's Yesterday!

All weddings are special!
Each person brings something unique and there are new ideas to explore and young people to encourage. (We have married a few 80 year old folks over the years too! They are amazing and young at heart!
During marriage preparation,some couples draw closer to the church than others.
There are many reasons for that. Not everyone lives close by. We do a lot of weddings during the summer for people who are home on vacation. These people generally do a marriage preparation course offered by an other Church in another community . For those who live close,every gift of fellowship and friendship is offered.

I always look forward forward to weddings at St. Martin's.
Although right now, it looks now as though I not not be conducting wedding ceremonies for a while, I am still looking forward to the celebrations of love that will take place in our Church as couples come forward to seek the blessing of Friends, Family,and our Lord.
The couples being married next weekend have become people I know, who have prayed with,and will pray for.

When I was diagnosed with cancer it didn't take long for my world to turn upside down. So many things to think about,so many people to tell, so many questions to ask -- and not a day goes by that a question or challenges doesn't pop up.
I will speak about some of these later this week, but for tonight I want to write about another sighting of Grace I experienced while I was walking in the Valley of The Shadow.
Tina Hynes and Dean Pelley came to St. Martin's a few years back as a young couple who were seeking some information about our Church and our programs. To keep the story simple, They Got involved! My relationship with Tina and Dean began first with my role of the parish priest. This relationship began to grow as all friendships do when they are nurtured and lovingly challenged. Before too long both Karen and I were blessed to name Dean , Tina,and their children among our friends.

As I said,this past weekend some dear friends were married at St. Martin's. It took them a while to set the date (July,10) but when they did it seemed to arrive overnight!
My personal freight train was arviving as well. As time went on after June 8Th (the day I was given the official results ) I tried my best to organize my schedule , make as many realistic commitments as possible, and get ready for the storm.

One of my anchors was this wedding. I set my heart to it, scheduled around it and was determined to make it. We we busy preparing for the wedding in other ways as well. Karen,a beautiful bridesmaid to be, along with Kaylee and Ada helping with detail after detail until all was ready. Dean, in his fine new Suit,Son Jonathan by his side , and Jason getting ready to run down the Church to walk up the Aisle with "Momma". Add Garry Fudge's smiling face as best man, and away we go!

What a beautiful day,and Thank God for every moment of it.
I couldn't do it. No matter how hard I tried by the time the rehearsal was over, there was nothing left. Too much going on with the Chemotherapy,and too much to expect from this old body.
Dr. St. Croix came to visit me,and with her usual gentle wisdom helped me see that I was not going to meet this expectation. She also lovingly reminded me that those who loved me would be far more worried about my present health than anything.
Of course she was right. What a blessed team of caregivers we have in our Hospital in Gander, Dear God continue to bless their lives and hands!
What was left to do?
The staff left me for a moment. I phoned Karen and explained the story as best I could. (They were all in the middle of getting their hair done,and I was falling apart.)
Karen called Dean,and Said "Your buddy needs you, He's devastated"
Dean's only response was "I just want Him to be okay. I'll be right there."
When my friend walked in the door, I knew right away that he was reflecting what the entire wedding party in the very same words,(the entire Church for that matter was saying) when he grabbed me in his arms and smiled through the tears ``I love you John.... I love you Buddy ......Over and over...)) In that moment, I was able lo let go the Tears and the frustration and the sense of helplessness. Thanks Man. Thank you too Revd. Brian,for being the next in line with your open arms.
From that moment on I insisted to everyone I spoke to that it was time to celebrate!Lets celebrate what God IS doing!
What a great Day! Perfect Weather,loving friends and family Great Food,laughter blessing and and Gods ever present Blessing!
My joy was made complete when later that afternoon the Wedding party made their way back to my hospital room for some snaps. Tina,You were beautiful as a bride,on your wedding day you are beautiful as a person,and you and your family are the Beloved of God. Thank you for making us part of your special Day!

Mixtures and Adjustments Entry 16

2010-07-08T06:52:00.019-02:30

July 8 2010
When was a teenager I was captured by a love for mechanical things. Like most teens , I longed to be able to drive my own vehicle. There were far more teenagers in those days who did not have a license or a car,so if you were among the privileged few you were noticed by your peers!
At age 15 I traded off a guitar and purchased my first auto. It was a 1959 Volkswagen. I had a little money saved too, so I was actually able to get the thing running. I learned how to drive by sneaking around the back trails and paths that surrounded Glenwood. That thing was better than any quad!
I finished high school in 1976 at age 16,and had no hesitation as to what I wanted to do. I signed up for ``Trade School`` and took the course known as Motor Vehicle Repair.
Ralph Miller, soon to become friend and mentor, was my shop instructor .It was from Ralph that I first learned how important carburetors mixtures and adjustments were for the overall economy,efficiency and satisfaction one hoped to experience from an automobile.
You simply have to have the proper mixture of ingredients,and the right balance in the right amount to make things run smoothly.

The same is true for everyday life!

Over the years as a minister,I have used certain phrases over and over because I believe them to be very effective in conversation. One phrase that I use came to me from a patient I met when I was doing my pastoral training. He said to me "Your world gets pretty small in the moment you receive the news and hear the word Cancer."

I woke this morning,around 5:30 a.m. feeling the effects of my chemotherapy.
Even though his is my second treatment and I have a far better idea of what to expect,the changes in my life have been hitting like a ton of bricks.
The words that came to my mind were the ones I have chosen as a theme for my writing today..Life is indeed a series of Mixtures and Adjustments.,and I sure need some Carburetor work right now!
Some of the adjustments are being forced on me by this illness, some I must choose to make,and still others are God inspired and administered through His Spirit,and all of the people who are reaching out to us right now.

My final decision to write this blog came from my wife Karen's inspiration.She had the insight to see that writing would help me cope ,fulfil my desire to see the Church blessed through my Illness and provide honest ,open information to those who want to follow along.
Through it I am able to share the journey with you, and I thank you for being here.

There is something else too!
This is not Just about Revd. John having cancer. I believe that we all need to stop from time to time and let God have a major word about what is going on in our lives.
When I awoke with this theme "Mixtures and Adjustments" on my mind, I realized that this blog has the potential to bless people on totally different avenues of life where they too have found for various reasons , the path dark,lonely and devastating. There are sightings of Grace where ever you go friend, Everywhere.
So it is then that I commit my self to sharing with you,in the hope and knowledge that the ties that bind us together will open up doors of healing love for us all.
I welcome your stories and emails,and the way people have been opening their hearts to me as of late.

There is one more thing to remember ....
I am Not Superman! I .... have been afraid and anxious . I have worried about what happens next. We have been shedding some tears.

Cancer tells you that you are mortal -You have a fight on your hands.

Faith is telling me that I have a friend and a guide through all the new relationships and realities that are part of my " daily Life." My eyes and heart are opened to new possibilities,and I am rather excited about seeing God's will fulfilled in all of this.

I was a pretty good carburetor man in my time. I always had the knack of finding that spot where there was no hesitation between a smooth idle and a full bore acceleration.
Now I am asking for more grace as I continue to be a student of our Lord's perfect will. With God`s grace I am still learning to be a good adjuster of what life throws at me,my family,and the Church that he has caused me to love so much.

This seems a good time to quote the serenity prayer which has been adapted by so many,for many different reasons.

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference. Through Jesus Christ our Lord,
Amen!

Saying Thank You to Everyone (entry 15)

2010-07-06T08:05:00.006-02:30

July 6

One of the goals in yesterday’s blog was to express the thankfulness Karen and I feel in our hearts for all the care I and my family have been receiving from so many people.
We Love the Church - We Love you!

If you have ever visited my study at the rectory, you will have seen a picture which was given to me by the youth of St. Albans Church in Badger’s Quay. It shows a quote from Victor Hugo :

"The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved “.

Hugo went on to say this-- “loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."

I have always found Victor Hugo’s reflections to be very meaningful, but the one above has always been special to me. I remember when the children gave me the plaque, one of them said “See Revd. John, we do listen to your sermons!”
There were tears of joy from me in Church that morning......It is so wonderful to have your ministry affirmed!
It reminds me of another Hugo quote: "Joy's smile is much closer to tears than laughter."

How wonderful to Know (not just hope, or long for, or wonder after, or pray that maybe….) but to Know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are loved!

For me as a follower of Jesus, these words carry a lot of weight.
Why?
First of all , I believe them to be an accurate description of the goal Jesus has for us - That we Know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God loves us.
Secondly, these words remind each of us that we are called to do whatever we can , to love others in radical ways. (We call that “Authentic Community” at St. Martin’s- we are not perfect, but we are working on it for His sake!)

The old phrase “Christ has no hands but ours" should never be allowed to become a clique .
It is found in a prayer by St. Teresa of Avila:

Lord Christ,
You have no body on earth but ours,
No hands but ours, No feet but ours.
Ours are the eyes through which your compassion
Must look out on the world.
Ours are the feet by which you may still
Go about doing good.
Ours are the hands with which
You bless people now.
Bless our minds and bodies,
That we may be a blessing to others.
AMEN

Another story of a sighting of grace in the Valley of the Shadow

Among the thanksgivings and blessings we have received, I have another little story to share with you.
Most of you know we have an older house in Glenwood. The house is over 60 years old, sits pretty much in the middle of town on a nice wooded lot. It has been used since my father died as a temporary residence for some of our children, nieces, and others needing a place to stay. We have offered it to folks and couples who need a place to get away. It serves as a quiet meeting place from time to time.

Relatively very few clergy have their own homes , and Clergy do not live in a “free house”! With the exception of a few clergy in the Diocese who receive housing allowances, we live in a parish rectory, and the provision of housing carries a value that we receive instead of stipend. We depend on savings over the years to make sure we can provide for shelter when the time comes to retire.
Our old house needed some serious renovations, so a few years ago, I took a deep breath, gathered my tools and began the work that is still in progress. First a rewiring job, A new roof, basement repairs, a new porch, new Windows and Siding. One thing led to another, and we began to strip out the old “Ten Test” on the walls. I discovered that the house was not insulated properly, so that became another item on the long list!We have recenty had a second rewiring completed so we could remove ann aging oil furnace and install electric heat.

I love doing my own work, and work for others as well. Given my mecanical and building background,it is great to be able to use the gifts God has given you!

To make a long story short, the house inside was “up in slings”. I had planned to use my holidays this year to reconnect the plumbing, get the kitchen and living rooms functional again, so we could enjoy the place once more.
I want to share with you as well, that when I began feeling unwell several months ago, my prayer to God was to help me get this work done, so that if something was seriously wrong with me, Karen would have a home to live in. Small and humble maybe, but a place to call home. I had managed to refit, plaster and paint the bathroom, install drywall in the kitchen and living room. A lot left to be done however, no cupboards up no appliances installed, plastering unfinished ,no water in the kitchen and so on. After my diagnoses, we simply had to put this work on the back burner.No Money,No energy, no time for this now. We placed it in the Lord's hands in the hope that I might get well enough someday....

Unknown to us, a small group of our friends had been making plans. They asked Karen for the house key to go have a look, and before they stopped, our kitchen renovation was almost complete! The plastering, painting, crown trim has been completed in the kitchen and living room, the cupboards and appliances have been installed in the kitchen, and we can use the house again as soon as the spring cleaning is done. There is still much to be done at the old house, but we have a renewed sense of love for the place. We love to be able to share the place with everyone,and I will have a place to go after the radiation therephy later this summer for a quiet time and recovery. That was our friend's goal.

Frustration and worry has been replaced by hope because of the gift of friendship in action. It is impossible (again I say) to express how thankful we are - but we are, for this gift, and for each and every day of love with our friends and family.

John Keble wrote a poem in 1867 entitled “Hues of the Rich Unfolding Morn in 1827. We sing some of the words in the Hymn : New Every Morning Is the Love these are two of my favourite verses from the hymn

If, on our daily course, our mind
Be set to hallow all we find,
New treasures still, of countless price,
God will provide for sacrifice.

Old friends, old scenes, will lovelier be,
As more of heaven in each we see;
Some softening gleam of love and prayer
Shall dawn on every cross and care.

Thanks be to God .

Back in Hospital for round Two ( Entry 14)

2010-07-05T21:53:00.005-02:30

July 5th

I had hoped to be able to preside at the Eucharist yesterday morning, but the morning found me with a considerable amount of pain in my throat.
The (sad, but wise) decision was to stay home and rest some more.

By mid afternoon I was feeling much better,and enjoyed a cup of tea at our dining room table. One pleasant thing about sitting at the table in our dining room is you can see the back of the church building. I found my self looking at the church and parking lot ,thinking about the Church - that is (of course you know) the people that make up the Sunday Congregation AND the people who make up our Church family overall.

So important to remember how many strides we have made in moving from congregation to Community!

I do long to be with you in a physical Sunday Morning Worship sense, but I also want you to know that I am more than thankful for the love we share and the spiritual connection that God has bound and blessed us with through the Holy Spirit,and our choice to be authentic followers of Jesus.
The acts of kindness, gifts, cards and messages from people all around the province is to say the least, overwhelming. The power of authentic love is incredible, humbling, healing. I receive it with gratitude and thanksgiving. I feel safe because of it!
Yesterday,following morning worship the people of St. Martins held a brunch fellowship. Unknown to me until very recently, this event was a fundraiser for our family. Again, all Karen, my girls and myself I can do is say Thank You. The gifts of money, another, tangible expression of love will be used to defray some of our medical expenses not covered by insurance. I am quickly learning that Cancer is not only a painful,, devastating attack on Body and Soul ,it is also expensive to deal with. The gifts of food,blankets,prayer shawl, email,cards letters and "Smoothies", (thanks Jared!) combined with love and prayer has transformed my thoughts , lifting my spirits more than I can effectively communicate. God working, through the Church is able to so much more than we can ask or imagine. I bless Him,for your hands and hearts.

It is now Monday evening and I am back in hospital. Karen is back and forth like always. This evening she is helping a friend get ready for her wedding which will be this weekend.

Its been a quiet night - almost like a benediction upon what has been a long and trying day.
I receive your blessing Lord ,and ask that it be shared greatly with my friends and family.

The Day
While every person I have spoken to, or had interaction with today ,has been a blessing this day has been filled with reminders of my mortality and weakness. Earlier today I received the call I was waiting for. I was to come to the hospital ,register and be prepared for surgery - one more procedure to help me win this fight. I am thankful for Dr. St. Croix. Her natural compassion,skill and warmth have been a blessing to many,including your's truly.
Because I have been losing weight ,Dr. St. Croix suggested a feeding tube to make sure that my body receives the nutrients to get through the radical ups and downs of Chemotherapy and the upcoming Radiation treatments. I think in total I have lost over 40 lbs. It was a bit of a blow, because I thought I was doing fairly well with my eating!

You all know how much I love to eat with you!

My daughter Lacey and Granddaughter Delilah were here for a few days with us. A wonderful blessing! Today they left to go home.
I confess that I cried after Lacey and Delilah left today. Not for long, but long enough to let out some of the sadness and worry I have been feeling lately. Whenever my girls visit annd leave,I feel a bit sad. I love having them around,and when they are not,I look forward to hearing their voices everyday. Lately I have been a bit more emotional.
You know me and tears...If I go to the post office with a friend and they don't get any mail,i'll cry for them!

I was blessed by Sarah’s visit tonight. Sarah is one of the nurses here . We met when I was in for my first treatment and are quickly becoming friends. She was working on the other unit tonight and when her shift was over she dropped by for a visit and to offer encouragement. All of the nursing staff here are fantastic and caring people!

So here I am - bald , skinny as a rake, needing help to eat, missing my girls, missing the Church, back in the hospital for another week because my white blood cells were too low for the doctor to install a port. (my white blood cells are up now, but the doctor is on holiday) ,knowing that the treatment I begin tomorrow will make me ill again, and yet......

I promise you, I lift up my heart in thanksgiving and communion with those who love and care. What an influence Jesus has ! Have a blessed evening everyone, I am determined to get better! Tomorrow I have another story of God’s blessings and friendship to share with you.

July 2 (entry 13)

2010-07-02T17:35:00.003-02:30

It's been a pretty full day.
This morning we were joined by our three Grandchildren for breakfast;it was wonderful to hear the house buzzing with chatter and laughter.
Jason has taken Joshua and Emma up across Gander Lake for the night.
Tomorrow Chanda heads back to Torbay to work,while Jason remains for the weekend with the kids.

I had an appointment at the Cancer Clinic with Dr. St. Croix this morning. God love her - she brought me back a Teddy bear from her trip. It has an "I Love hugs" logo on it. It made my day!
This morning we visited the results of my last M.R.I. and C.T.Scan.
These tests were ordered because there was an indication of spots - one in my liver and the other in my neck. I am glad to say that neither was anything to be concerned about. We now have a clear idea of my cancer, It is in my tongue,the tissue beneath,and may involve a small portion of my upper throat.

The other concern at the present is my weight loss. I have lost another 11 pounds since beginning therapy ,and we know I cannot afford to lose any more weight,so we will take steps to get the nutrition I need into my body. On Monday I will be having a feeding tube inserted so that I can be fed directly. I will still be able to eat if I choose. (Thanks everyone for the food you have been dropping off. I am trying a bit of everything,and will keep trying!)
The game plan for me this week is to head off to James Paton for admission on Monday,when the feeding tube will be installed. Tuesday I will start chemotherapy for 120 straight hours again. There is a wedding at St. Martin's next weekend that I will be officiating.
I have made arrangements to be unhooked for a few hours on Friday,and Saturday to conduct the ceremony. I am looking forward to celebrating the marriage ceremony with Dean and Tina,and all of St. Martin's. If I am able,I will preside at the 8:30 service this Sunday morning.

My hair loss continued to pick up speed,so we took care of that. Mona (Joshua and Emma's other Nan) came by during lunch time and shaved my head. I look like Shawn Wiseman's older brother! Karen likes it anyway.

I wanted to leave this blog today with a special story. some of the young people of our church who attend Gander Academy gathered together to have a prayer for me. It touched my heart when I found out. It is a wonderful thing when I realise that our young people are not afraid to show their faith. I asked Emily to tell me about it in her own words,so I could share it with you:

What I was saying about us praying is that when we all found out you were sick all the kids in my class from our church sat down together and started to pray. Someone asked us what we were doing and I replied "we are praying for someone we love" they asked who and I said "our priest, he is like family" they then asked how and I said " were a church and were a family" they still didn't understand but to all of us it meant something. We all promised to pray for you everyday and I know I have Rev.John! Love you!! Feel better Rev.John!!

God Bless everyone. Have a wonderful evening!

June 30 (entry 12)

2010-06-30T18:02:00.006-02:30

Life certainly has changed these days. I would have started my holidays on Monday past,and was looking forward to getting out to the old house in Glenwood to continue the renovations. Those who know me would rightly expect that I would have a real tough time dealing with "forced inactivity". I would agree!
However ,with all that has happened ,and with all that is happening,my energy level really is slowing me down, and I am not troubled by it.

I asked Karen to bring me to Glenwood for a drive on Monday afternoon. Just to get out - kill some time. When we pulled into the driveway I was amazed at how quickly the grass had grown,and I remembered one very sad afternoon during the last summer of my father's life. I was visiting Dad and doing a few chores for him. It was a very hot day,so about half way through cutting the lawn, I shut off the mower and went inside for some cool Glenwood water. Dad was in his bedroom sitting on his bed. He had been watching me. We had a nice chat which ended only when Dad looked at me and said"If I could only take that Lawn Mower once more and...."
He began to cry. I joined him. Dad loved to cut the grass.
I don't have a sense that my grass cutting days are over friends! Although I do wish to be my old self, I am at peace with waiting on the Lord,following the treatment,and focusing on getting better.

People everywhere have been sending their gifts of love and prayers,and I am so thankful. I have been spending my time resting,doing some painting,helping people get ready for the many weddings we have in the parish this summer. I have been spending time in prayer,encouraged by the good wishes and attentiveness of the people in our Parish. Please do keep the emails coming. I love St. Martin's!

My grandchildren from Torbay are with us for a few days,and tomorrow,Lacey and Delilah will be here. They will only be here until Monday,but I am very thankful Lacey is able to get home. She hasn't been able to get a "Daddy Hug",since we found out I have Cancer.
On Friday I will visit the Doctor in preparation for my next round of chemotherapy. Monday will see me back at the Cancer Clinic for the first two chemotherapy drugs,and then to be admitted to James Paton Hospital for another 12o hour mountain of drugs. Tough week coming again - but I claim it as healing time.
Will you agree with me with Gods word in Jeremiah 30:17? “I will restore you to health and heal your wounds declares the LORD.”
So be it, in Jesus Name. Amen.

May God bless you,shine on you and bring you peace. John+

June 28 (entry 11)

2010-06-28T23:43:00.007-02:30

Ever since my turnaround this week I have been feeling better.
Not my old self by a long shot so here is a short Litany of Woe you won't find in the B.A.S. folks.
I have been living with throat and jaw pain ever since the biopsy,and some of the side effects of the chemotherepy are hanging on. Eating is a chore;sometimes I have to gargle this lovely pink stuff that numbs the mouth so I can swallow.

More than once this week I was reminded of the Saviour's words we find in Psalm 22 verse 15

My strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
you lay me in the dust of death.

Not that I am feeling down or morose. I 'm doing okay.
I believe our Lord has felt our suffering in so many ways. Isn't it wonderful to have friends who can relate?
Looks like some great family time coming up for us. Lacey and Delilah are coming for a visit on Thursday for a few days. Chanda and Jason have parked their camper by our door so they can be close by.
I hope I can keep my fingernails through this . I was told to expect some problems. Not everybody does. The hair however is another matter. It's going. Fast. Strange feeling really, because even though I have known so many who have lost their hair through treatment,I have never actually seen it happen.
I will probably get a friend to come shave it off for me. Karen figures that maybe when it grows back it might re-cover that big ole shiny spot on the top of my noggin.
We'll see
God Bless and Good Night

Sunday June 27 2010 (Entry 10)

2010-06-27T05:21:00.004-02:30

It's Sunday Morning at 5:30 a.m.
I have woken up refreshed and feeling better than I have in days.
Last Monday June 14th, I travelled to St. John's for a M.R.I, returning home the same day.
On Tuesday Morning Karen and I went to the Cancer Clinic for the next step. Even though we had arrived early we were greeted with warm smiles,and before long we were chatting with Dr. St. Croix.
She further explained the treatment protocol that was being recommended for me . I have agreed undergo a protocol that has not been used in Newfoundland before. The drugs are the same,but the method and amounts of administration quite different. In essence, after taking the first two of three chemotherapy drugs,the third would be administered for 120 hours continuous. That's why I disappeared last week.

The Chemotherapy experience I went through during the past two weeks was horrendous.
Once the Chemo hit me, and my white blood cells dropped,they didn't stop until I had reached bottom. I could easily sleep for twenty hours a day,between bouts of pain and discomfort.

However!
Those bright bouncing bubbly beams of light at the Cancer clinic,never left me too far out of reach.
Thank You! What a wonderful group of people.
Now I know what to expect,and I am getting my heart, mind soul and body for the next round.
Thanks for all the prayers and emails last week folks. They are inspiring!

Letting The Church Know (Entry 9)

2010-06-18T16:37:00.029-02:30

I have been in a pretty dark place since my last entry folks. I am doing much better now.
I will tell you about it, but first, this. I want to keep my story straight for you by keeping the blog entries in order.
"What does the Church Mean to Me?"

How can I begin to thank God for the Diocese,our parishes, people and for the Church family of St. Martin`s that has been God`s precious gift to me?

When I was in my early twenties our second Child was born .
She was a child of the colic for sure! Karen and I spent many nights walking the floor with her.
At any rate we did not have her baptized,for in spite of the fact that Karen's mother firmly believed that baptism was a sure fire cure for colic, I wasn't buying it.
I didn't have a sense of belonging to a Church,and I knew it.
I was madly in love with the mother of my children and I sure knew that too!
But didn't think that was reason enough to marry in the Church.
Nope.
Got married by a grumpy Judge,one hot August afternoon at City Hall in Toronto.

I had Supertramp playing on the 8 Track,and was driving a 1978 Ford L.T.D. Coupe.
Now, I know that a good many of you may have heard me tell this story.
If I have baptized one of your children, I can pretty much guarantee it.

Please read on, I promise I'll make a long story short.

I cared for mother in Law deeply.
She was a great sport. Had a good heart. She was determined to get the baby done.

I went to Church one evening.
St. Andrews,Glenwood
7:00 Evensong
to take in the service and find out how much they charged to baptise babies.

When the worship was ended I waited in the Church for the priest.
I remembered him. He had come to the parish just before the time my mother moved back to Ontario with my brother and my self. This was the final time my parents separated.Childhood days were rough for us,a lot had happened in my life since then,and he knew it.

Revd. Walters was met me in the body of the Church after saying good night to the parishioners. He stopped and took my arm, looked into my eyes,and quietly said "you're Johnny Watton, aren't you? - I've often wondered what happened to you my son."

In that moment,

I understood,without understanding that God was trying to reach me.
"Stop and listen....stop... I Love You".
I have never forgotten the deep emotion stirred up in me that night.
Elissa was now almost two years old She was baptised, and I began to take an interest in keeping the promises I had made.

This was the Church of my childhood. It was the place we were forced to go to fidget,fussed and fume our Sundays away. But now, it was different. Under the gentle tutelage (and wiley ways) of the Revd.Richard Walters,I fit into the congregation,where I found many wonderful people waiting for me. That was close to thirty years ago.

These folks accepted me with open arms. They accepted my energy too. Before long I was starting youth groups and working with Sunday School .They even had me in the choir. ...and...yes, as soon as I found a group of young people who liked to play music, got a music group together. I became involved with the Vestry,and through that became involved with the work and people of our wonderful diocese.

The power of Community is incredible. That why God has chosen Community as the bearer of his Love and Grace. It can be a place of nurture,love, trust We call it Church . Jesus Died for it.

The road that led me to St. Martin's and all of you began a good many years ago, Travel on this road involves many life stories and I am overwhelmed sometimes when I think of how God brings things together. - How God has brought us together in a community .
So much has happened in our parish these past years .

June 6 was the first time I shared the news and events leading up to my biopsy with our Church Community.
It was the day I promised everyone that I would bring my energies to bear on getting better. I also made it clear that my leadership role at St. Martin's would continue,and that I am expecting God to do some great things in our midst through all of this!

Shortly after Bishop David shared the news with the clergy of the Diocese.
June 8 we received the confirmation of the diagnoses.
June 12 I did a painting as the morning sermon, using the blank canvas as a symbol of the life God has given us,and the finished painting as our life - Our gift to God.

Thanks everyone for your love
John+

Family Time (entry 8)

2010-06-16T22:36:00.027-02:30

How do you tell someone you love that things are going terribly wrong?
When illness comes,families start a process of "moving from there to here".
It was no different for us. In March I became ill with an infection that required me to enter hospital for surgery. This is something that had happened to me before, so we all had an idea of what to expect. In fact, the healing process was so fast that I was convinced that I was on the highway back to health. It was not related to the cancer I am fighting now

My girls commonly open telephone conversations with "How's Dad?" or if talking with me,"How are you feeling?" They know I work too hard with a passion for people and the Gospel. they know I haven't been feeling well these past months,and they know how frustrating it is for me when I am not well.
The answer that Karen and I give the girls are the "Mommy and Daddy" answers designed to be truthful, but comforting and hopeful.
But they know. We have a very close family.
Let tell you that my that wife and family have been a rock for me, and share a little about our children and grandchildren.
Compared to some families,our children are physically not too far away from us. Chanda, who is married to Jason Byrne a Journey Millwright, is our oldest . They have two children ,Joshua and Emma . Chanda works as an L.P.N. at The Hoyles Home in St. John's .
Elissa is our second oldest. is presently residing with us in Gander . She has trained as a Journalist and has a passion for writing. She is working in retail and hoping to do as much freelance Journalism as possible.
Lacey (Number three) lives in Dartmouth with Husband Daniel (Danny) Sturge. Danny is an Avionics Tech with our Armed forces,posted at Shearwater. Lacey is a Veterinary Assistant,and the loving mom of our youngest grandchild Delilah. This is a tough time for Lacey because she is the only daughter who hasn't been able to get to me yet for a hug (yet) since I became ill.

Ashton is our baby. Recently finishing a degree at Memorial University in Environmental Studies ,Ashton still lives in Corner Brook where she too seems to have discovered a passion . Hers is for cooking and a certain young chef (Dave) that we haven't gotten to know very well yet.

Obviously this has been deeply painful and personal for my girls. They have grown up in a family that has given great value to the Christian ideal that Church is family. Over the years they have opened their hearts and arms along with mine and Karen's so many times that we perhaps have taken their love and grace for granted.
I an thankful that I can say at this stage of my life that my relationship with my daughters and their loved ones is truly one of God's greatest gifts in my life. The closeness we feel is incredibly powerful . You may see some of their writings in this blog,I leave that to them. I thank God for their ever present love.

At The Cancer Clinic (entry 7)

2010-06-14T22:17:00.008-02:30

The Cancer Clinic at the Health Science centre is new and bright in comparison to many other parts of the hospital. When you enter your eye catches the cheerful colours and local artwork in the foyer.
There is a reception desk on the top floor near the entrance but it is empty. (We were early.) I notice that some people are are coming in and passing by the desk and heading downstairs, so I follow them and find two reception desks at the doorway to the clinic. I introduced myself to the person there and she tells me that first time patients have to wait upstairs until they are called to complete an initial registration. Because it it is early,there are not a lot of people around .
I go upstairs to find someone at the desk she assures me that when the other receptionist comes in,I’ll get straightened away.
Three ladies from the west coast arrive. They are first timers too,and spend some time looking around to see what to do. The receptionist has disappeared, so I welcome them and tell them what I know.
We wait. We wait some more, and my appointment time comes and goes. The ladies are getting worried too because they think that their friend (one of the three!) has missed her appointment . When I see the receptionist I dutifully dodge across the fancy formal foyer and ask her to explain just what we should expect. Again, I pass on the information to the ladies three .
The reception people are friendly enough, but I think that the power of routine and early morning business has affected the attention someone new would expect at the entrance of a Cancer Clinic.
As a new patient waiting to hear first time critical news , I found “step one rather unsettling.
Within a short time we are all registered,and sent downstairs. By now the Cancer Clinic waiting room is full of all sorts and conditions of people. I enjoy a few conversations.On occasion Karen and I just look at each other and hold hands.
All kinds of people here. One older couple catches my eye. The wife is a tall woman. She is holding the hand of her husband and is pacing the floor with him. He is tiny. He wears a baseball cap,size small for sure,but it looks really large on him. Add to that picture a denim jacket and pants pulled way up past his waist.
As time goes on,I have to pee. Yep. I'm telling you everything. I head off ,find the men's room and go inside.
Karen absolutely hates public bathrooms, but I don't mind because I can pee standing up!
Before I get to far inside,the bathroom stall swings open and the tall lady quickly sticks her head out. her with worried look is an apology. “It's my husband.” she says He's got diarrhoea and I have to take care of him. She brings him to the sink and I notice she is holding on to him with one hand and getting some paper towel with the other. “I can't let him go,because he will take off. He has Alzheimers.”
I smile at her, dampen her towel ,and sensing her embarrassment and need for privacy leave them alone in the bathroom. When they come out they sit beside me for a few minutes and we make light conversation.

God bless married couples who are faithful in richer or poorer,in sickness in health . It's a beautiful witness. These people remind me of some of the couples at St. Martins.
Thank you Karen.I need you.

Poor woman. Her husband has had his life robbed by Alzheimers, and I assume ,now has cancer on top of it. That poor man. A few minutes later the doctor calls HER name. “Come with me sweetheart." Hand and hand they walk to see the doctor. “
I want to cry, so I get up to finish that pee. The bathroom reeks of his bowel movement,which for me (rather than turning my stomach) adds a beautifully poignant sense to what I have just witnessed. God is talking. I say a prayer for them asking for Grace to be upon them both as they walk in the valley of the Shadow of Death. I have placed them in my prayer journal, and will remember them for a long time to come.
At last we are ushered into an examination room to see the doctor. The oncology nurse joins us to gather some information,and to let us know what to expect. At the clinic,when patients are receiving results or treatment options the whole treatment team gathers. The nurse warns us that they “travel in packs” and they bring their students so don't be alarmed.
In essence, you end up with a room full of experts who have already read your results, and want do their own examination and ask you some questions. After this they all disappear to consult. Within a few moments your doctor returns to let you know what is being recommended as your treatment.
The consultation goes something like this.
My doctor rushes in. “How you doing old man?”
“You tell me.”
”Okay. You need to sit in that green chair over there.”
When I went into the room I knew I was going to end up in the Green examination chair. I just didn't like the look of it,so I sat somewhere else.
Think about it. Green Chair,wooden armrests and I swear, a light with a big white shade right in the middle. There are wires hanging from the back of the chair which are used for a camera.
Ole Sparky!
I think they bought the electric chair that was used in the movie The Green Mile.
As soon as I sit the doctor pulls a chair in front of me and tells me he is going to freeze my throat so they can all have a look. He grabs a can of STUFF and attaches what looks like an oversize Q-tip to it. This contraption ends up in my mouth. Squirt Squirt. Then, he shoves it down my left nostril and squirts some more. (glad he did it in that order)
This stuff is BITTER.
He is sitting directly in front of me, so I can't see whats going on the the room but I know the entourage has arrived when I hear Snap, Snap,Snap,Snap,Snap,Snap,Snap,Snap,Snap. Snap. Everyone is getting the rubber gloves,and waiting to get at me.
In a second, there is a camera probe down my neck (via my nose,) and everyone ,including Karen, can see my tumour in living colour.
Its all a bit overwhelming, so I warn them that when they are finished I am going to pass around a collection plate.
Lots of questions,the other doctors examine me and leave.

One of them,who seems to be the oldest pauses for a minute. Kind eyes and a smile.

“You are from Glenwood?” “Yes.” “Salmon fish?”
“Love it. “(P.S. Thanks again for the rod and reel Dot ....your kindness means the world to me)
“Listen,” he says . “This is not the end of the world. We'll have you back on the Gander River.”
Thank you Jesus. A kind word turns away wrath (sorrow,fear,and stress too).

My doctor comes back.
I learn the raw details.
The tumour is Cancer .
Surgery means we will remove your tongue and most of your vocal cords.
No Thanks. Can you imagine me without a tongue?
“Your best option is Chemotherapy and Radiation. If it doesn’t work, we are not burning the bridge. We can do the operation later.”

There might be a spot on your liver and the back of your neck We'll double check.
I like this doctor. He's busy, proficient, efficient and good.. I noticed through the whole time that the closer we got to revealing the bad news he more time he spent,and the more compassionate he became.
He's on my prayer list now too . Bless him Lord as he touches so many lives.
Next up – a series of meetings with nurses,oncologists. A plan is laid out,I am told of the side effects,and assured that these folks really want to take care of me. I believe them.

Things are rolling pretty fast . After five trips to St. John's in a week and a half , just one more MRI and one more blood test, before returning Gander to meet the folks at the Cancer clinic . I have prepared my heart for what's coming. I have to tell the people of St. Martin's what's happening.

Pre-admission Clinic and Biopsy (entry 6)

2010-06-10T15:06:00.016-02:30

Thursday June 3 Pre Admission Clinic

I have had a few operations in my life, and have frequently spent time with anxious parishoneers as they prepared for surgery so I have a resonable understanding of preadmission procedures.

This experience is a bit different. Karen and I had a feeling that this whole situation was going to be rough. We felt like we were in the midst of a whirlwind . I had just recovered from one surgery and this is following without a break.

Off we go to the hospital. I am not familiar with St. Clares, so have to ask directions.
The first thing you notice when you enter the main doors is the information desk windows . They are totally papered over. Looks like they don't intend to use this area any more!
In order to make first contact with someone you have to pick up a phone (there is one screwed on to the wall just below the papered windows) , and ask for help.
The voice at the other end is friendy enough and what they are doing might seem right and normal for staff and regular visitors,but a little surreal for strangers.
Sigh...great start. We find our way to the clinic.
Pre-admission clinics are almost like assembly lines -they establish the time line for surgery,make sure all the tests and doctors orders are in place ,that scans and blood-work are done, and you have a chat with the Anesthesiologist. They contact other hospitals to confirm information,and make sure everything is in place for your surgery.
These folks are efficient and friendly. I had a great chat with the E.K.G. lady We talked about rock and roll and faith. She listens with real interest as I tell her about St. Martin's youth band our dance crew and all of the young people who share ministry at St. Martin's.

Surgery
Back at St. Clares,early next morning we find the day surgery department, register and wait.
We are told to expect a slight delay because something serious has happened in the Operating room. That's fine.
While waiting , I strike up a few conversations with others. One woman has her surgery postponed, so she goes home. Not a happy camper!
I speak to a woman next to me and make a connection of prayer. We promise to pray for each other today and in the days to come.
Parishoneers from an old parish come in ,and we are reconnected with hugs and smiles (close to tears too)

When the call to go to the pre-operation room comes I am more than ready. In a few minutes I am transformed by giving up my glasses,wedding ring,watch,phone and clothing. On with the Johnny coat and cotton booties,and into a wheel chair.
It is time for submission to the staff, and the hand of God

The O.R. area is cold enough to freeze you! One of the nurses takes care of that, by wrapping me in a heated blanket. Nice. Turns out she is from Gander originally,and engages me in a great chat about growing up in Gander. I get to tell her all about my Church!

Into the Operating room I go. On the table as the staff efficiently and quickly get things ready.

In comes the surgeon,and after a little chat with him,I am out like a light.
When I wake up the nurses are all smiles and chat. "The doctor will be right back to have a word with you."

Popping up out of nowhere he says "How are you doing old boy?.... Things went well. "
A little pause.
"You do have a tumour and we have some things we have to do. you will need an MRI, and some treatments. I might be getting ahead of my self here, but I'm pretty sure of what I have found." Pause. " We will get the pathology results,and I'll see you in the Cancer Clinic. "

He shakes my hand firmly , receives my thanks and he is gone.

A Sighting of Grace in the Valley.
Let me tell you honestly. I was not at that time nor am I now,afraid. Aprehensive? -Yes. But not afraid.
I believe in the sustaining power of our heavenly Father to care for me and All the people I love. I have asked Him to do so.
That includes my immediate family - my wife Karen, who is one with me in every way. My daughters (whom I love more than life) my grandchildren (yes my sons in law too!)
The people I love from the heart are also found in the Church .
Why? because my heart has been formed and sustained by the healing work of Jesus in my life. If Christ has ownership of your heart, you will love the Church with authenticity.
The Church is made up of every person I have ever met and loved just where they are.

God is able... I believe it with all my heart.

If there is any one emotion that seems more powerful at this time I would have to describe it as "sadness". For myself? Sure.
For my children? absolutely. My Wife? You know it.
It is very hard to see the worry and pain on their faces. For others? Oh yes. People are showing how much they care.

These are real feelings . (I am not saying there hasn't been anger,denial,doubt,etc etc, I am pretty human after all)

I have a promise from God (so do you) that during the hardest times,when things are darkest, help will be there. Gods help is faithful and true (Just look at how God works through the Church! I thank him for St. Martin's. They are my family .)

The Gospel of Matthew and the writings of the prophet Isaiah share a powerful metaphor . I have used these often through the years while ministering to deeply hurting people.
Matthew12:20 - Isaiah 42:3 A bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not snuff out.
I am safe.
Come Lord,and gently lay your hands on my body and my heart. Come Lord, I trust you with my loved ones and my affairs. Come lord,and use my weakness to Bless your Church.
I welcome you.

C.T. Scan and Follow Up (entry 5)

2010-06-10T15:05:00.009-02:30

It's amazing how fast things can happen.
(May 27 ) I am sitting in the imaging department of James Paton Hospital.

I have a long standing connection with this hospital . In 1977 I worked with a local garage that had landed a service contract to take care of the hospital vehicles.
They had one truck in particular that was too big to fit into our service bays,so I would do the oil changes and safety inspections outside - winter or summer,rain or shine. I didn't mind either. It was nice to be doing something for the hospital. I took pride in that contract!
Thats how I learned the hospital phone number. I have never forgotten it.
My children were all born at James Paton . I visited that hospital as a volunteer during my mechanic days and I have visited that hospital as a priest for almost twenty years.

James Paton hospital is a place of Grace. Even though things do go wrong in hospitals sometimes and they can be places of great sadness, I know that God uses our hospitals and the people who work there to bring incredible healing, hope,comfort and light to those who are feeling the cold and dark power of the Valley of Shadows.

Anyway...back to the imaging department.
I check with the receptionist there, and after a while they let me know that they will be able to fit me in for the C.T. "emergency scan".
Not sure when, so I settle my heart (and Butt) for a long wait.

My mouth is really hurting this morning . (from all the probing I guess.. still tired from all the travelling too. It makes me weary and discouraged .
At one point while waiting to see what they can do for me, I look up and see one of the C.T. scan people. She is a member of our congregation,and I have had many wonderful chats with her over the years. She smiles and waves when she sees me (before she knew why I was there).
A smile and a wave is always a gift friends.
Always a blessing.

Within a few minutes the C.T. scan is underway, and I am back to the rectory for a little rest.

I had been told by my doctor in town that he could not tell me anything specific until after the C/T scan,and to meet with him back in his office on Tuesday June 1.
The drive back to St. John's seems long. The appointment is short .
The doctor tells me that it is just what he expected. A mass is growing under my tongue,and we need a biopsy to tell us what to do next.
Be at St. Clares' on Thursday for preadmission,and I'll see you on Friday for surgery. The appointments are set. He dismisses me with a reassuring pat on the back.
We have been staying in Torbay with our daughter Chanda, Son in Law Jason and the Grandkids,and when we get back to the house start making those anxious phone calls to our other daughters.

The Specialist (entry 4)

2010-06-10T15:04:00.016-02:30

It's May 26 and I am sitting in an E.N.T specialists outer waiting room in St. John's

We arrived early from Gander ,so after giving the receptionist my information we sat to wait.
It took a while, so I spent my time chatting with Karen, playing checkers on my smart phone,and observing people.

Here at the doctor's office we see all kinds of folks.
All kinds of Ear, Nose and Throat concerns happening here. Old folks,young folks , teens, - one young man with a Blackberry AND an i-pod. Moms with little children - tonsils maybe? Who knows.
Every time I see small kids waiting for a doctor, I always ask God to bless them.

I am going to be so glad when he tells me I have a problem with a gland that just requires day surgery...or something like that.

This office is shared by several doctors. Once in a while you see someone come down the hall, drop off some files before heading back down the hall. Within a minute someone calls three or four names,and the resulting small group is ushered to a new waiting area.

I see this blur..it's a doctor.
I can tell because he is wearing one of those old fashioned circular reflectors on his head.
He's a blur, simply because he walks so fast.
Up and down the hall way...making phone calls, telling the receptionist what he needs done.
All business.

Waiting . It's a trial. Finally I am sent down the hall and Karen waits again -by herself.
A few more minutes and he tells me to go into his room and sit in the red chair. I do, and he rushes off down the hallway again.
I count 19 certificates in his office.
Pretty impressive - almost intimidating. I know how much work goes into getting just one of these!

He comes in , plops in a chair,and says "What can I do for you today?"

I start to explain, and before I am really finished , he schoochies his chair over to within inches of my face.
Down with the reflector, on with a light .
Snap. On with the rubber Gloves.
I'm a little nervous, because I know what's coming.
"Lets have a look."
Open wide – and in go the fingers.

These are practised hands that know where to go ,and what to look for.
He finds a lump.
"Wow! "He says, "It's in the subcutaneous tissue. Can you feel this?"
“Yebth an ut reully hurbts!".
"Sorry."
His curiosity is aroused and he really starts to dig those fingers in.
I want to think of something smart to say to him like”are you related to my dentist?” but honestly, the pain, is so great that for the first time dealing with this becomes scary.
His business-like attitude and quickness adds to the sense of severity that I am feeling at the moment.
"Here, sit in this other chair." He stands behind me and places his hands on my neck ,pulling and squeezing.

"Okay. There's something there. You will need a C/T. Scan, and maybe a Biopsy. I'll have to put you to sleep for that ."
"Come with me ."
Down the hall way we go , around a corner,he moves so fast that I lose sight of him
I hear him speaking to a medical secretary.

This is a a turning Point for me.

I realize that he is not saying "This is no big deal..."
I realize that he is actually phoning Gander to arrange a C.T. Scan
He is using the word Emergency .

I won't be flying out to Nova Scotia for General Synod this week.

He tells me to be at Gander Hospital tomorrow morning for the scan, and be back in his office on Tuesday.

Back to the waiting room I go to set the appointment, and find Karen.
I am shaken,and she knows it.
Grace Lord,please,just a little more Grace.
What is going on?

Seeing The Dentist (entry 3)

2010-06-10T15:02:00.010-02:30

My local Doctor had set up an appointment for me to see an E.N.T. , but it was taking some time.

Around the middle of May I decided it was time to go see my dentist for a checkup and an assesment of any work I might need done.

I always feel guilty before setting up a dental appointment because I know I have been delinquent in regular dental care. So , I make the appointment a few days early ,then after brush my teeth about six times a day because I don't want him to think I don't care about my teeth.

This time however, I am feeling far more anxious about things,and determine to ask the dentist for an opinion.
While there, I tell him about my throat issues (which I describe as a possible sinus infection or T.M.J) and he says "I don't think so"

Fast as a jackrabbit he snaps on the rubber gloves and starts poking around in my mouth.

How long have you been having this problem? "Ug dobin rully kobd" says I (because he has his fingers in my mouth. He knows exactly what I am saying. How do they do that?

"Stick out your tongue."

I do..but it is not far enough.

He grabs some gauze,wraps it around my tongue and pulls.

Ouch! (It really Hurt)

"Sorry. "He says, "Sorry ."and proceeds to pull harder.

Within seconds he discovers a mass under the tongue and tells me I need to see a specialist.

I tell him that appointment has already been made.
He takes lots of Xrays,writes a report and makes sure the information gets to the specialist I am about to see.

This whole time is rough - not just because of the examination, but because I am submitting to the truth that something has happened to me - something has gone wrong.

I also sense that this dentist is concerned about me. It helps.

I think about a part of Psalm 139 :
Search me,O God and know my heart,test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Thanks Doc. You are a great dentist!
I feel a little scared about what is ahead,but thankful that I am on the road to figuring this out.

13 days later, I am on the road to St. John's to see a man about my future.

May the Grace of Christ follow me on this road.

P.S. up to this point I was still recovering from surgery. As a result of that, I was placed in the hands of our local Public Health Nurses. I have no hesitation in saying that I received God's grace through their care. Compassionate and caring people are incredible healers,and you have blessed me.

Stephanie, you know what I mean.

Thank you.

Something's Not Right (entry 2)

2010-06-10T14:57:00.002-02:30

Just a note:
I am hoping to be able to post several entries over the next few days in order to get on track with current events. Things are happening quickly- an M.R.I . on Monday in St. John's, Starting Chemotherapy back in Gander on Tuesday.

Somethings happening to me....

A common question you ask others (and I am learning you ARE asked by a lot of people) is "When did you start feeling this?"

It's a fair question because it relays a sense of concern and provides a starting point to a conversation.

I don't know about you, but I am willing to confess :

Many times after chatting with someone I knew was seriously ill, I would wonder what it was really like to find out "You're a diabetic", "You have serious heart trouble","This is permanent" or "You have Cancer".

There was always a response from deep within saying"I hope it never happens to me."

There was always a response from deep within saying "Lord help me to be a good minister to those who are hurting and never take their suffering for granted. Let me prove my compassion and your compassion not only with my lips,but with my life "

We live in a VERY busy parish and I take the work seriously.
One of my main goals for St. Martin's is to see it grow as a family united and connected by a common faith. That's a tall order when you consider how many different types of people and families we have!

It takes a lot of planning , sacrificing of time,and a lot of energy!

Normally after Christmas and Easter, I encourage our staff to take a few down days. This is to recover from the demands of the season and the self-giving that goes with being a minister through the fall and the time leading up to Christmas. It gives us a chance to recharge,spend time with our families and get caught up on some of the things we really need to take care of.

This past year, that has been harder for me than usual. Normally when the fall of the year comes I am rested and raring to go! I can't wait for the fall programs to begin in the parish and see our people getting busy with planning,fellowship and new ideas.

I love the fall of the year. There is wood to cut,gardens to rake,the smell of wood smoke mixed with early frost...what a wonderful time.
As many of you know, I have a small house in Glenwood that I am renovating in stages. This fall I installed new windows and siding - and let me tell you I certainly enjoyed the days that I could "get away" and work on the place.
It was there that I first recognized that I was not myself.
At first you blame the busyness,then a head cold, maybe the flu.
One evening, sitting on the scaffold in the fading sun , I reached up to put on a piece of siding, leaned my head against the wall,closed my eyes and said out loud,"Lord, I'm not feeling well."

Tired. Always Tired.
Had a sore throat that I had been blaming on sinus trouble. Time to see a Doctor, time to get more rest, Dear God, please take care of my family if anything should go wrong with me.... Nahhh nothings wrong...you just need to take better care of youself.

I ended up in the Hospital during March to deal with another problem which required some surgery. The load of antibiotics I received while there could have wiped out every germ and bug within a ten mile radius!

This recovery went well, and I was soon up and about. So glad to be back....
However that nagging sore throat didn't go away,I certainly didn't need any more antibiotics...so my Doctor set up an appointment with an E.N.T.

Getting Started (entry 1)

2010-06-09T08:30:00.003-02:30

2009 was an important year for me. It marked the end of my 40's.
As I approached 2010 as a 50 year old (fairly happily, I might add) I had begun look back with courage and honesty over past years to see what I had learned well, left undone or needed to move on from .
My goal was to become a more mature and loving person in the "infancy of my old age."

I even bought a new guitar - a high end, well crafed instrument that would honestly and faithfully reproduce the notes and tones that my soul could produce.
It was time to start putting some detail into the painting that is to be called my life.

So, what's Up?
The web address of this blog includes the words : "it's not always someone else ".

These are words I have used many times over past decades to help people face the cold and inevitable realities of life.
Words that attempt to say : "I will join you" - "I will be with you " -"Jesus has sent me to love you- and I am here to say that I do love you. "

The challenge of caring for others is far greater than you might think.
Each person's journey is unique. We relate and respond to to things differently . Events and people have formed our lives , shaping us through our own emotional networks and perceptions of that which has wounded us, healed us, loved , or even hated us.

Through the years as a member and priest of the Church, I have tried to be the ambassador of Christ who comes to "be with you".

As a friend I have walked with many through the entrance of theValley of the Shadow of Death and
I have journeyed (as best I could,) part way through the valley .
But....No other person can ever get you through to the other side of the Valley of Shadows .

Whatever brokeness causes your pain is yours alone.
Others who love you can share it,carry it for you,weep with you and ,even if they can carry you in their arms for a time, that time will end.
Thank God for those people. They are Sacramental. They give you glimpses of blue sky on a rainy day,they point out new life by offering their love, and because of them, the journey can become bearable...even beautiful - as God makes His point for your life known.

I am experienced enough in the valley of shadows to be able to point out sightings of Grace that I have seen there.
I know that they can be found.

Because I love my family-my beautiful wife, Children , Grand-Children, (and everyone God the Father has given me to love) as an earthly Father,AND as a Priest in the Church, I now offer to share my own journey into the Valley of the Shadow with you.

This past week I was diagnosed with cancer. It is fairly aggressive, pretty much inoperable - but treatable. But more about that later.

I have started this blog as a journal for those who wish to follow. My intent for it is to provide inspiration and light (as best I can - because the Doctors tell me things are going to get rough).
I share my story here, (just like I promised the Sunday Morning congregation at St. Martin's Cathedral in Gander ) because I believe in the power of Authentic Christian Community, and that we must share with one another.
I do not intend for this blog to become morbid or Maudlin - (look it up), but I hope to use some humour as well as some spiritual lessons that I will learn and Pass on to you.
May it be a gift.

Chanda, Elissa Lacey and Ashton...I love you.

Everyone - I've packed my Bags. See you at the Gate.
John.